French Architect Solves 4,500-Year-Old Pyramid Mystery; Awaits Answer

A French architect has surprised the archeological world by claiming that the Great Pyramid, in which the Pharaoh Cheops resided for an unexpectedly long time, was built from the inside out – and the innovative Parisian has presented 3-D, computer-generated images to back his theory. He is now awaiting an answer from EgyptÂ's Supreme Council On Antiquities.

Consider the riddle has challenged the minds of people who have nothing more important to think about for some 4,500 years, it seems expected that the response might take some time.

Prior to his pointedly different proposal, the theories were that it was assembled with an enormous ramp in the front or a corkscrew affair around the outside. But Jean-Pierre Houdin has the images to show that the main ramp was thirty to fifty feet under the outside, outlining, if you can believe it, a pyramid within a pyramid.

His computer model shows that the resourceful builders only used an exterior ramp for the first 140 feet of laborious and idiotic construction and then switched to a corkscrew-shaped inner ramp for the remainder of the 450-foot blockbuster tomb.

Houdin maintains heÂ's right for the most obvious of reasons, stating, Â"This is better than the other theories, because it is the only theory that works.Â"

A well-known Egyptologist commented, "This goes against both main existing theories. IÂ've been teaching them myself for 20 years, but deep down I know theyÂ're wrong.Â" He went on to say, Â"HoudinÂ's vision is credible, but right now this is just a theory. Everybody thinks it has got to be taken seriously.Â"

EgyptÂ's Supreme Council of Antiquities is still deliberating.

Global Warming Update: Eskimos Spot First Palm Tree

In an especially inarguable event that global warming is proceeding apace, a group of Eskimos noticed – while hunting for caribou on the sort of unusually balmy day that theyÂ've been experiencing with ever-growing frequency – a tree they were not familiar with, growing high above the tundra.

Priding themselves on knowing the flora and fauna of their land, they puzzled over the strange growth.

Â"Look,Â" one said, Â"a tree I never saw before.Â"

Â"No branches,Â" another one puzzled.

Â"Even a bear couldnÂ't climb it,Â" a third one noted.

Then one of them pointed to the groups of large roundish green objects in the high and odd-looking leaves, known in warmer climes as palm fronds. Â"Look,Â" he speculated, Â"big fruit, maybe.Â"

Just then one of the ovoid objects happened to break loose and fall toward them.

Unfortunately, for the fellow who had just identified it as fruit, the object hit him on the head and, being rather heavy and hard, it knocked him out.

When he awoke, he felt the lump on his head, and concluded, Â"Not very ripe.Â"

Respecting the environment, as all Eskimos are famously known to do, except when poaching, they decided not to chop the tree down to take it back via dogsled for identification but to settle for returning with the unidentified object that had hit their unsuspecting fellow villager on the noggin.

When they got back to their village, they went straight to the village elder, who was revered for many reasons, one of them being that he was the only resident of the village who, one year when the salmon catch had been especially bountiful, had managed to wangle a trip to Florida.

When he saw the strange object, his brows fretted and he looked up, saying, Â"I thought you went caribou hunting?Â"

Â"We did,Â" one of the hunters replied.

Â"I did not know that there are caribou in Florida,Â" he said, questioningly.

Â"Florida?Â" another hunter asked, now even more mystified.

Â"Yes, because as far as I know, this thing only grows in Florida. As you know, once, in my younger days, I went there for a mid-winter break.Â"

Â"Then you know what it is?Â" the fellow who had been hit on the head with it asked.

Â"Yes, he replied. Â"ItÂ's called a coconut.Â"

Â"Coconut?Â" they variously puzzled, passing it around for another look.

Â"Yes,Â" the elder confirmed. Â"Where did you find it?Â"

Â"In a tree we never saw before.Â"

Â"And where did you see this tree?Â" the wizened man questioned.

Â"In caribou country,Â" one of the hunters affirmed.

Â"I swear,Â" another added.

Â"Then,Â" he told them, Â"thanks to global warming, our way of life is about to change. You have found a palm tree in Alaska.Â"

Â"Palm tree?Â" they wondered.

Â"Yes,Â" he said, and whacked the coconut with a large knife.

He savored a sip of the nectar within and, passing the coconut around so the hunters might experience the milky delectation, he concluded, "And so, if I live long enough, maybe I will get to enjoy the climate of Florida without having to make another trip there.Â"

U. S. Seniors Retiring To Iraq; Say Thatâs Where The Medicare Money Is.

U. S. senior citizens, noting President BushÂ's new budget, which calls for billions to be spent in Iraq while billions are cut from Medicare, are foregoing traditional retirement destinations like Florida and Arizona and opting for Iraq.

The numbers reflect a convincing coincidence. BushÂ's budget calls for $100 billion more for Iraq and $100 billion in cuts for Medicare.

Following up on the new retirement trend, we went to Kennedy Airport and caught up with some seniors who were booked for Baghdad.

Â"Excuse me,Â" I asked a group of seniors who just stepped off the bus in front of Saudi Arabian Airlines. Â"I understand youÂ're all heading for Iraq?Â"

Â"ThatÂ's right,Â" a man in Bermuda shorts replied, and reached into his golf bag. He took out a chapeau in the usual mullah fashion. Â"Got my black turban right here. You know what they say? When in Baghdad, do as the Iraqis do.Â"

Â"And I have my black burkah,Â" his wife added, lifting it from her purse. She slipped it over her head and modeled it. Â"What do you think?Â"

Â"Very cute,Â" I replied. Â"YouÂ'll fit right in. Can you please clarify why youÂ've chosen to retire in Iraq instead of, say, Miami?Â"

Â"Simple, son,Â" a man with a fishing rod, who happened to be wearing a baseball cap on top of his turban, said, Â"ThatÂ's where the Medicare money is.Â"

Â"Not to mention social security,Â" his wife commented.

Â"The plain fact is, weÂ'd rather eat in Iraq than starve in America,Â" another man added.

Â"But arenÂ't you concerned about safety issues?Â" I asked.

Â"Of course, we are,Â" the man in the Bermudas replied. Â"But weÂ're in this for the long term and, the way things are going, we can hardly count on Medicare and social security in America.Â"

Â"WeÂ've got to follow the food,Â" another elderly gentleman stated.

Â"But you could get blown up?Â" I suggested.

Â"Oh, we thought about that,Â" the man with the baseball hat on top of his turban replied. Â"WeÂ'll just have to take our chances.Â"

Â"Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen,Â" a frail man said, raising his fist. Â"DidnÂ't you read about the 70-year-old fella who broke the neck of the kid who tried to rob a busload of seniors?Â"

Â"Yes, I did notice that event,Â" I told him.

Â"He was a war vet,Â" one of the women informed me, with evident pride.

Â"Yep, of one American war or another,Â" a senior volunteered with a sigh. Â"Quite a few to choose from.Â"

Â"How about suicide bombers?Â" I dared to ask.

Â"Bring Â'em on, son,Â" the frail senior said, assuming the position of a boxer with his dukes up.

Â"But arenÂ't you forgetting that most of the money earmarked for Iraq is for military activity?Â" I asked.

Â"WeÂ're going for the rebuilding money,Â" the man in the Bermudas said. Â"TheyÂ're wasting billions. And we figure we can get in the way of some of it.Â"

Â"And what do you think is going to happen when Americans see millions of seniors, retired in Iraq? They canÂ't just let us starve there, can they?Â"

Â"Congress will have to divvy up something for us, and thatÂ's more than theyÂ're likely to do if we stay in America.Â"

Â"And something is better than nothing,Â" a woman affirmed.

Â"But what about the culture gap?Â" I asked. Â"ArenÂ't you a little set in your ways?Â"

Â"Yes, we are,Â" one of the men admitted.

Â"I notice the turbans. Do you plan on becoming Muslim?Â"

Â"Whatever it takes to get in the way of some money,Â" the man insisted.

Â"WeÂ've thought about it,Â" his wife interjected. Â"And becoming Islamic is better than not being able to afford medical care.Â"

Â"Or starving on whatÂ's left of social security,Â" another woman added.

Â"Do you think youÂ'll be able to enjoy the usual retirement activities there, like golf and fishing?Â" I asked.

Â"No problem,Â" the man with the golf bag said. Â"Iraq may not have the best golf courses, but I see thereÂ's plenty of desert for sand traps.Â"

Â"IÂ've noticed a river runs through Baghdad,Â" the man with the fishing rod said. Â"Got to be something in it besides body parts.Â"

Â"How about you?Â" I asked a woman with a tennis racquet.

Â"I havenÂ't seen any tennis courts there,Â" she admitted, Â"but some of the sand should be hard enough for the ball to bounce.Â"

Â"What about a net?Â" I asked.

Â"I guess thereÂ'll be some sacrifices,Â" she replied, and looked around at the crowd. Â"But I know one thing. I wonÂ't have far to look for someone to play with.Â"

Â"I brought my racket,Â" another woman called.

Â"And, if worse comes to worse,Â" her husband advised her, Â"you can teach an Iraqi how to play.Â"

Â"Excuse us, son,Â" one of the men said. Â"We have to move along now. CanÂ't miss our flight.Â"

Â"WeÂ're bound for Baghdad!Â" his wife almost sang.

Â"OK,Â" I replied. Â"Thanks for the interview. And enjoy your retirement.Â"

Ahmadinejad Defends Iranâs âInalienable Rightâ

President Mamoud Ahmadinejad defended IranÂ's nuclear program in a speech before a group of Islamic clerics, stating, Â"The Iranian nation has an inalienable right to become a nuclear target.Â" Then, conflating a calculated reference to The Declaration of Independence with railway transportation, he added, Â"The train of the Iranian nation is without brakes and a rear gear. We dismantled the rear gear and brakes of the train and threw them away sometime ago."

Â"But what happens after we have a nuclear weapon?Â" a cleric dared to ask.

Â"I was just getting to that,Â" he replied. Â"Now, some of you might wonder, what is likely to happen as Iran gets closer to having a nuclear weapon? What else? WeÂ'll be attacked.

"And what if we actually threaten to use a nuclear weapon? You guessed it. WeÂ're certain to be attacked.

"And what if we actually succeed in using a nuclear weapon? You guessed right again. WeÂ'll be attacked – and no doubt with nuclear weapons.

"And who will attack us? Israel? America? England? France? Russia? China? The truth is, there are so many nations that might attack us we have absolutely nothing to worry about. We can be certain that one or more of these nations will attack us.

"And, if things go as they well might, we may be attacked by nearly all of them. But donÂ't worry. WeÂ'll be going up in smoke for Allah. So we have nothing to fear.

"And, let me assure you, my intentions are in no way guided by a subliminal death wish. Nothing could be further from the truth. IÂ'm very outspoken about my intentions.

"And no nation – not America, not Israel, not all the European infidels taken together, can deter the Iranian nation. We will become a nuclear target. It is our destiny, that is, unless somebody has a better idea.

"Then, like George Bush, I will entertain it before I dismiss it. Now, IÂ'd like to hear it if anybody has a better plan.Â"

To encourage participation, the guards beside him presented arms. Noticing the potential fusillade, the clerics seemed in complete agreement with him.

Â"IÂ'm glad you agree with the plan,Â" Ahmadinejad said. Then, continuing his recent references to American parlance, he effused, Â"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of nukes! United we die; divided we disagree! I have a nuclear dream! And, mark my words, the end is near!Â"

A Religion In Need Of Redemption

Generally, religion figures human beings need redemption. Now, we note, at least one religion is in dire need of redemption: Islam.

The explosive evidence speaks for itself – unfortunately, louder than any other voice in Islam.

But can enough Muslims be convinced that their religion needs salvation?

If a humor magazine canÂ't do it, who can? HereÂ's a short course, called Good Religion 101.

Is a religion supposed to be an enhancement of life or a liability against it? What is its merit to the living when it becomes a liability against life? For that matter, what is its merit to the ultimate source of life – in this context, taken to be Allah, the one true pal of us all?

To be meritorious, a religion must be primarily about the sanctity of life, not the sanctity of death. The more it subordinates life, which is what we have in our care, the more it has gone wrong.

To be fair, we do hear or read an occasional Islamic voice that has not lost sight of what a meritorious religion must be, but where are the voices of IslamÂ's millions, most notably its multitude of mullahs?

To the extent that IslamÂ's we-know-better members do not raise their voices against their religion gone wrong, they permit it to be denigrated in the service of death.

The question is, can it be put pervasively in the service of life? Can it be made exemplary for the lives of Muslims themselves – men, women, adults, and children – as well as good for all the infidels who just wish it would go away?

If it is to be transformed into a religion that doesnÂ't need to be saved, it must become one that is good for all the living. After all, only behavior that is good for everyone can be held up as a standard for everyone or as proper reverence to the ultimate source of us all.

We leave right-minded Muslims with the question wrong-minded Muslims have forced into the foreground. Can Islam be redeemed?

A lot of good people donÂ't think so. They think the religion is a hopeless case. Since their opinion could only arise from ample cause, itÂ's all the more urgent for right-minded Muslims to bestir themselves on behalf of their religion gone wrong.

The Awesome 80's

It was the decade of decadence. It was about glitz and glamour as well as baubles, bangles, and beads.

Everyone loved Luke and Laura in the afternoon. Lady Diane became the People's Princess when she married Prince Charles. Nighttime soaps like Dallas and Dynasty ruled the airwaves. President Ronald Reagan ruled the United States. Tom Cruise felt the need for speed. Michael Milliken was the Junk Bond King. Gordon Gekko taught Wall Street whiz kids that greed was good. Material Girl Madonna made her musical debut.

What decade was it?

We can only be talking about that terrific time period – the excellent eighties.

Here are twenty-one ways for you to verify that you belong to (or belong in) the 1980's.

1. Breakdancing on the sidewalk looked like fun. Now it just looks like you might break something.

2. You can still recite dialogue from any movie starring Molly Ringwald.

3. "Cell phones" meant the telephone people used when they got their "one phone call" in jail.

4. You had at least one of the following: a Cabbage Patch Kid, He-Man action figures, a Rubik's Cube, or something with a Pac-Man logo on it.

5. You remember a lot of headlines about the Human Genome Project, which was a complete mapping of human DNA. You also remember how this was supposed to lead to the eradication of disease.

6. You remember the day that thousands of radio stations across the world played "We Are The World" at the exact same time. (Now, you're singing it!)

7. Your first album was a vinyl 33 and you laughed at your parents because they wanted to play 45's and 8-track tapes.

8. You know who Oliver North is and why he was in the news.

9. Someone on your street or neighborhood sent his or her life savings to a later discredited televangelist.

10. You hung out with your friends at the mall, especially in the video arcade where you exchanged those hard-earned quarters for tokens.

11. You know that "glasnost" means openness or transparency and "perestroika" means economic restructuring.

12. You and your friends made fun of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady. (The fictional woman was named Mrs. Fletcher and the product was the LifeCall emergency service.)

13. You inserted "like" liberally and unnecessarily throughout your sentences. Like so, "Like, that was, like, the hardest test we ever had. So after class, I was all like asking the teacher and she was like it wouldn't have been hard if you had studied. Then I was like is that like wicked rude or what?"

14. You know there was only one way Dorothy on the Golden Girls could make Sophia behave. She simply said, "Shady Pines, Ma, Shady Pines."

15. You've actually tasted New Coke. Extra points if you wrote to Coca-Cola and insisted they bring back the original formula.

16. You remember when there was no such thing as CNN, E!, or MTV.

17. Your parents were afraid you'd cut yourself putting on a snap bracelet.

18. You were inspired by Sandra Day O'Connor, the first female Supreme Court Judge, Sally Ride, the first female astronaut and Geraldine Ferraro, the first (and as of this writing only) female Vice Presidential candidate.

19. Renting horror movie sequels about Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers took up a lot of your time.

20. You loved the opposite sketches and green slime on You Can't Do That On Television.

21. You played Atari, Intellivision, Sega, Nintendo, and Coleco until your hands went numb.

Not nearly enough totally tubular nostalgia for you, for sure? Need more wicked rad 80's memories? See the complete list at http://www.comprehensiveadvice.com/80s.html

Toyoto Becomes Number One Car Company; Thanks General Motors

Â"Thank you so much for making Toyota number one,Â" the chairman of Toyota, Fujio Cho, said to Richard Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors, and leaned across the conference table to shake his hand.

Â"Think nothing of it,Â" Mr. Wagoner replied, obliging the Japanese exec. Â"The credit belongs entirely to you and your quality-obsessed company.Â"

Â"No, no,Â" the Japanese CEO insisted. Â"We could never have done it without your reliable incompetence.Â"

Â"On the contrary, sir,Â" the GM CEO replied, eyeing the other American and Japanese executives arrayed around the conference table, Â"the credit is entirely due to your astonishing competence. After all, you and your company have figured out how to make cars people actually want to buy – form and function, attractively combined.Â"

Â"Yes, I think thatÂ's true,Â" the CEO of Toyota conceded.

Â"And youÂ've figured out how to make cars that are legendarily reliable,Â" Wagoner went on.

Â"Yes, I must also agree with that.Â"

Â"Then how is it possible that you are thanking me for helping to make you number one?Â" Mr. Wagoner wanted to know. Â"I do not deserve any of the credit whatsoever!Â"

Â"But, donÂ't you see, Mr. Wagoner? We owe our success to the fact that you have not quite figured out how to make cars that people actually want to buy!Â"

Â"WeÂ're working on it,Â" the CEO of GM replied.

Â"And have you figured out how to make legendarily reliable cars?Â"

Â"WeÂ're also working on that.Â"

Â"May I ask if you have been successful at either endeavor?Â"

Â"I said weÂ're working on getting there.Â"

Â"But, Mr. Wagoner, how is it possible that after all these years of making cars you are still working on two such important objectives? Of course, I am not referring to you and your highly competent current executives, but only to your predecessors, and I am sure you will do much better.Â"

Â"Thank you. IÂ'll tell you why we're having a difficulty or two. Your company came along, Mr. Cho, and set the bar higher than it was.Â"

Â"We did?

Â"I insist. Much higher.Â"

Â"And how were we able to set it higher?Â"

Â"You tell me.Â"

Â"Because you set it so wonderfully low.Â"

Â"We did?Â"

Â"What other explanation can there be, Mr. Wagoner? And now you are struggling to catch up, which, if I may be frank, is another way of saying you have failed to do so."

"But –"

"– I beg your forgiveness, my distinguished friend, but if that isnÂ't incompetence, I donÂ't know what is. Of course, as I said, not your incompetence, only that of your predecessors. Yet, if I may be so bold, please, accept my gratitude.Â"

Suicide Bomber Arrives At Entrance To Paradise At Same Time As Victims

Â"What are they doing here?Â" the suicide bomber asked Allah, pointing to the fifty-two victims he had just blown up along with himself. Â"I thought I was going to Paradise alone.Â"

Â"DonÂ't let him in!Â" a dead man called from among the recent arrivals.

Â"He killed us!Â" a female victim shouted.

Allah, who was sitting on a gold throne at the entrance to Paradise, held up his scepter, which had a curious red button on top, and told the bomber, Â"It always happens this way.Â"

Â"But why?Â" he wanted to know.

Allah held up a scroll on which were written the words he now spoke: Â"Do the math!Â"

Â"I was never good at math,Â" the bomber admitted. Â"Please, explain.Â"

Â"ItÂ's really quite simple," Allah told him. "The usual transportation speed from the earth to Paradise is a constant. So everybody who dies at the same time arrives here at the same time.Â"

Â"Oh,Â" sighed the bomber, Â"I didnÂ't think of that.Â"

Â"Justice! We demand justice!Â" the disgruntled crowd confirmed.

Â"Please, let me proceed,Â" Allah advised them. Then he turned his eyes on the bomber. Â"What do you have to say on your behalf?Â"

Â"Praise be to God,Â" replied the bomber, and fell on his knees. Â"I killed them for you, Allah.Â"

Â"I donÂ't remember asking. Got any other reason?Â"

Â"Oh, a really good one.Â"

Â"Do I know everything?Â" Allah asked.

Â"Yes, you do. God is great!Â"

Â"Then why donÂ't I know of a really good reason to kill people?Â"

Â"Infidels!Â" he shouted. Â"TheyÂ're infidels!Â"

Â"WhatÂ's an infidel?Â" one of the dead children asked his mother.

Â"Somebody who doesnÂ't agree with me and my superiors!Â" the bomber informed the child.

Â"I don't!Â" one of the dead men exclaimed, and turned to Allah. Â"So let me blow him up!Â"

Â"Please,Â" Allah replied, Â"up here I pass out the rewards and punishments.Â"

Â"Then no doubt I have earned an eternal reward in Paradise,Â" the bomber said.

Â"Never!Â" the dead crowd demanded.

Â"I have earned my eternal reward with my life!Â" the bomber shot back.

Â"Eternal, no doubt,Â" Allah replied. Â"But there seems to be some disagreement about the location.Â"

Â"But my superiors assured me that I would go straight to heaven for blowing myself and these infidels up.Â"

Â"I know that,Â" Allah told him. Â"ItÂ's one of the disadvantages of knowing everything. Frankly, sometimes I wish I didnÂ't. I get the worst headaches.Â" He took a notepad out of a pocket in his gown. Â"See. I have a list of your advisors. Now, for the big question. Who should get into Paradise, you or them?Â"

Â"Me?Â" the bomber said tentatively.

Â"Justice! We demand justice!Â" the crowd shouted.

Â"Not to worry,Â" Allah told them. Â"ThatÂ's what I specialize in.Â" He turned to the suicide bomber once again. Â"What do you mean by infidels?Â"

Â"They believe different things than I do, especially about you!Â"

Â"Why do you think itÂ's possible for people to believe different things, even about me?Â"

Â"Because theyÂ're wrong!Â" the bomber answered.

Â"No, because I decided people should be able to believe different things.Â"

Â"You did?Â"

Â"Am I all-powerful?Â"

Â"Praise be to God, of course, you are,Â" the bomber replied.

Â"Then, if I didnÂ't want them to be able to believe different things, I assume you understand that they would not be able to?"

Â"Oh,Â" the bomber realized. Â"

Â"Thanks, Allah,Â" one of the dead men said. Â"ThatÂ's a good point.Â"

Â"You mean they have a right to disagree with me and my superiors?Â" the suicide bomber wanted to know.

Â"How else could they get away with it?Â" Allah asked.

Â"Hmm, I hadnÂ't thought about that,Â" he lamented.

Â"I know that,Â" Allah said. Â"Now, perhaps you know I have a rule?Â"

Â"Oh, lots of them,Â" the bomber went on. Â"I know them by heart.Â"

Â"How about the one about donÂ't kill?Â"

Â"I didnÂ't know that applies to infidels!Â"

Â"HeÂ's guilty!Â" a man yelled.

Â"He killed us!Â" a child screamed.

Â"Send him to hell!Â" his dead mother said, and put her arm around the child.

Â"WeÂ'll get to who belongs where,Â" Allah said, and turned to the bomber. Â"Do you think I made you?Â"

Â"Yes, you did. God is great!Â"

Â"Do you think I made them?Â"

Â"I donÂ't know why, but, yes, I have to admit you made everyone and everything.Â"

Â"Thank you,Â" Allah said, and pointed to the dead crowd. Â"What would happen if everybody decided to blow up people who donÂ't agree with him or her?Â"

Â"There would be even more blessed martyrs,Â" the suicide bomber said.

Â"You mean crazy people!Â" one of the dead women called.

Â"Hold it,Â" Allah said once again, closing his eyes with a bit of perturbation. Â"I have arrived at a decision.Â"

Â"Then I can enter Paradise?Â" the bomber suggested, and moved forward.

Â"IÂ'm not finished,Â" Allah told him, blocking the way with his scepter that had the red button on top.

Â"Tell it like it is, Allah!Â" a dead man called.

Â"Send him to hell – to burn forever!Â" a woman screamed.

Â"Please,Â" Allah said, Â"no need to shout. Remember, I can even take a hint.Â" He looked back at the bomber. Â"Do you know we have never had a bomb go off in Paradise?Â"

Â"Really?Â"

"No, itÂ's a very peaceful place. And do you know why we have never had a bomb go off?Â"

Â"Because itÂ's Paradise?Â" the bomber asked.

Â"Yes, but thereÂ's another reason.Â"

Â"Praise be to God, tell me.Â"

Â"Because I never let a bomber in.Â"

Â"But IÂ'm done being a bomber,Â" the bomber replied. Â"Now, IÂ'm a martyr!Â"

Â"Bomber!Â" a woman yelled.

Â"No, no, IÂ'm not a bomber anymore!Â" the bomber shouted.

Â"ArenÂ't you?Â" Allah asked. Â"You did decide to be a bomber, didnÂ't you?Â"

Â"My superiors told me to do it!Â"

Â"But you agreed or you wouldnÂ't have done it. Am I right?Â"

Â"Praise be to God, you are all-wise.Â"

Â"Thanks. Then youÂ'll understand that once a bomber, always a bomber.Â"

Â"Forgive me, Allah! I was wrong.Â"

Â"Never, Allah! HeÂ's a murderer!Â" a man in the deceased crowd called.

Â"IÂ'm afraid I have to agree with them,Â" Allah decided.

Â"With them? With the infidels?Â"

Â"Please, stand aside,Â" Allah said to the bomber. Then he turned to the victims. Â"You can come in.Â"

Â"Thank you, God!Â" they said. Â"Praise be to Allah!Â"

They filed past their great benefactor, bowing as they went.

Â"But IÂ'm the one who deserves to go to Paradise!Â" the bomber protested.

Â"WeÂ'll see,Â" Allah said.

When all the people who had been blown up had entered Paradise, the bomber asked, Â"Is it my turn to go in?Â"

Â"LetÂ's talk about that,Â" Allah said, and moved his finger to the red button on the top of his scepter, which happened to control a trap door. Â"I believe you said you killed those people for me?Â"

Â"Yes, I did.Â"

Â"Do you think I let them be born so you could kill them?Â"

Â"But look how they turned out!Â"

Â"Is that for you to decide or for me to decide?Â"

Â"For you, Allah, I admit it. I was wrong! IÂ'm sorry. Forgive me!Â"

Â"I do forgive you,Â" Allah said, Â"but I also gave you the freedom to decide who you would become. And I never change Paradise policy."

"Praise be to Allah, tell me, what is it?"

"No bombers, especially suicide bombers, allowed.Â"

With that, he pushed the red button on his scepter and the unfortunate soul dropped to his unexpected destiny.

Scientists Discover Earthlike Planet; Hope The Civilization Is More Advanced

European astronomers, upon discovering an Earthlike planet outside of our own solar system, winningly named Gliese 581c, were immediately fearful that the sort of behavior that goes on here might be more widespread than previously believed and could only hope that the civilization is more advanced.

There was even some worrisome speculation about the possibility that the civilization could be at the same stage as our own and if, in fact, it might currently be playing host to such rancorous individuals as Osama Bin Laden and Imus.

Feeling that one version of such people is enough, they immediately resorted to the hope that, since the star around which the planet spins is older than the sun, any civilization there might be more advanced than our own.

Less concerned citizens began to speculate about what sort of inhabitants might reside there besides mass murderers and insult comedians. The participants covered all the important categories, such as who might be the most popular singers and actors.

Of course, the most revealing way to determine who might live there is to travel to the planet, but since it's about 20 light years away, the means of transportation is still not available.

Whether our inability to travel there just yet is good news for the earth or for the newly discovered planet remains to be seen.

Netflix Informed About Movies On Demand; May Stop Mailing DVDs

Netflix, the company whose enormous red billboards have been annoying computer users for some time, has been informed about the existence of on-demand movies.

Shocked that a person can simply click a remote control to pay for and view a movie, the company has realized that expecting consumers to pay to have DVDs mailed to them and then remembering to mail them back is not a credible business.

Initially, the spokesman for Netflix was resistant, stating, Â"What do you mean, movies on demand? Never heard of them.Â"

But when the remarkable procedure was demonstrated to him, he relented and, in fact, commented, Â"Well, IÂ'll be. Why didnÂ't somebody tell me about it before I took this job?Â"

Idiotic Human Behavior Traced To Greenhouse Gases

An innovative study by an environmental scientist attempts to explain the recent uptick in idiotic human behavior. According to the resourceful researcher, the likely culpret is the abundant supply of greenhouse gases. As a result of their ascendance, there is simply not enough oxygen left in the atmosphere for the human brain to function at the usual level.

He reasons that the principal greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide, is frequenly derived from carbon monoxide, the toxic effluent of tailpipes and other smokestacks. To become the dioxide version, the monoxide must add an atom of oxygen, which, for lack of other alternatives, it removes from the atomosphere.

To make his determination, the scientist measured the percentage of oxygen currently available for general breathing and the amount of the same invigorating substance in a sealed time capsule that was buried during the 1950s, a time, history tells us, of an extraordinary degree of human sanity.

By comparing the two samples, the investigator was able to determine that there is significantly less oxygen in todayÂ's atmosphere.

Commenting on the finding, George Bush said, Â'I disagree with the finding, and I'll tell you why. Today I can think just as well as I could in 1950.Â"

Dick Cheney remained committed to the present course, saying, Â"Don't pay any attention to these environmental reactionaries. They're bad for the economy. And, if you think weÂ're dumber now, wait till weÂ're too dumb to notice. Then the problem will be solved.Â"

On the other hand, Arlen Spector, R-PA, noted, Â"I have actually detected a noticeable slowdown in the intellectual activity of Congress. When I first came to Washington, I can remember an occasion or two when I actually heard an intelligent argument.Â"

Washington Madam Names Clients; Whoâs Next?

As if our fearless leaders in Washington donÂ't have enough to fret about, now Deborah Jeane Palfrey, a madam accused of running a prostitution business has, as part of her defense, vowed to make her list of clients public. Worse yet, she has begun to do so.

First on the roster was the high-ranking military strategist who coined the lamentable catchphrase Â"shock and awe.Â" He was so shocked and awed he resigned.

Dick Morris, the dapper and devious former advisor to Bill Clinton, made the hit list and quickly persuaded his lawyer to deny, deny, deny.

Then came Randall Tobias, the affable but suddenly shamed head of the Bush administration's foreign aid programs. He also resigned, and the madam was so touched she felt obliged to express her apologies.

How many more cowering gentlemen will be named?

Apparently, Deborah and her lawyers believe that the more careers they destroy, the more likely she is to evade a sentence that might prove excessive.

Prompted by the failure of her flawed assumption, she is on the verge of making her entire stock of names public.

So all Washington can only be atwitter with the question, "WhoÂ's next?"

Apparently, a lot of revelations lie ahead. After all, the lady managed to keep approximately 250 lasses gainfully embraced.

Female Muslim Sexologist On TV; Proves More Popular Than Al-Qaeda

A female Muslim sexologist named Heba Kotb now has a TV program called Â"Big Talk,Â" where the courageous pioneer discusses sex in as normal and healthy a manner as she can dare to in her excitable part of the world.

A conservative Muslim herself, the irrepressible Egyptian lady actually has Muslims talking about such taboo ideas as sexual positions, female orgasm, and oral sex, which, she says, is permitted "since there is no religious text banning it."

Her program has apparently become the talk of her sexually veiled society. She has, in fact, proved to be even more popular than Al-Qaeda, as usually represented by one madman or another ranting about murdering innocent people as a perverse means of persuasion.

"It's a beautiful thing what she is doing," commented Abier El-Barbary, a woman who is a psychotherapist and a faculty member at the American University in Cairo. "It's a long overdue topic tastefully done.Â"

LetÂ's wish her luck. When sex is part of the discussion, it appears that the injunction to Â"make love, not warÂ" may have, even in the Middle East, a fighting chance.

Pardon Me, But I Thought Free, Freebie, No Cost, Free Download As Well As Many Others, Meant Just That!

You all know what I am referring to and I'm sure you are as fed up as I am with all the parsing of common words to misrepresent something, someone or both. The parsing of commonly held words is stupid and will not be tolerated by the masses any longer! If an advertiser wants us to dance a jig or jump through hoops to receive their low cost, almost worth nothing, free or freebie item all they must do is simply say so. Rather than parsing of words to mean almost free or free if you are new to our service, or free for the taking but it will exclude you from future almost free or freebies items, just simply say so. Most adults are capable of understanding that you are a business because you want to feed your family. As adults most people don't want you as a business to lose any money. As adults most people would like to know that you are making a fair profit and will be in business for years to come. As adults we simply wish for you to not parse words in an attempt to take adv!
antage of anyone! We are giving you businesses, big and small, fair warning that we consumers are fed up with the parsing of words to take advantage of consumers and we are not going to let it continue any longer. We promise to embarrass you and your company if you continue in the future of parsing words to not mean what everyone takes them to mean. Just so that everyone is on the same page, we have listed what we understand these certain common words to mean.

1) The word free or freebie means simply that - zero exchange of money, postage stamps or anything of value.

2) The word free and freebie mean no exchange of money now or latter and also mean the same for new as well as existing customers.

3) The word free and freebie do not mean that we will be branded to lose out of or to be excluded of any special price or deal at a later time if we take advantage of your free product or service now.

4) The word free and freebie simply mean free, zero cost and zero exchange of valuable information such as our email address or the email addresses of six of our friends. This would also include any personal telephone numbers. Time of year or season does not change these commonly held meanings.

5) The word free or freebie means that we don't have to do anything or offer anything in exchange for your free or freebie product or service.

Now that we have stated clearly what these commonly held words mean to us at large; we expect you businesses, big and small, to understand that we consumers will penalize any company by broadcasting it over the internet to everyone that said company has tried to parse these commonly held words. We believe there is no reason to parse these commonly held words other than to take advantage of another. Therefore we will broadcast across the internet via e-mail, via blogs, via bulletin boards via forums via any way possible now and in the future any company and/or individual that plays games with or parses the meaning of these commonly held words. For the record the meanings of these words are the same whether you are giving us a great or not so great of free or freebie item. We also wish to state for the record that we consumers understand that you businesses must make profit in order to stay in business. We are not opposed to the fact that not every free or freebie item will b!
e of great worth. We however expect the meaning of these commonly held words to remain just the same, regardless of worth of free or freebie item. May this article serve as fair warning to all businesses, big and small, that we consumers are fed up with all the parsing of commonly held words to take advantage of any consumer!

As a consumer, if you agree to this writing then it is expected of you to hold all businesses to these rules and if some business does not, you have the responsibility to make said infringement known to the masses via one or more methods listed above. Every concerned consumer should print out this little article and keep it handy and ready to post or serve such business and/or individual that breaks these rules. This article is free, zero cost, will not exclude you from future freebies, and will not require you to post personal information or the personal information of six friends. You need not do anything to print it out and post it. This article is completely free of charge regardless of time of day or season of year. This article is simply, FREE!

George Bushâs Secrets to Better Golf

Cheat. Lie. Intimidate. These are the true fundamentals of golf. If George W. Bush shoots a 7 on the par 5 9th hole and his playing partner Rex W. Tillerson the CEO of Exxon Mobil asks the President of the United States of America what he shot, George W. Bush says Â"Put me down for a 5.Â"

George W. Bush and Rex W. Tillerson are walking down the 10th fairway at the Cape Arundel Golf Club in Kennebunkport Maine surrounded by 10 heavily armed secret service agents. What is Rex W. Tillerson supposed to say to George Bush? Â"No, IÂ'm sorry Mr. President you shot a 7 on the last hole, not a 5?Â" By the time Rex got the words out he would be gunned down into the dirt. The secret service agents have been given their orders in advance. Lets say that Rex actually pointed out the PresidentÂ's error to him and lived to talk about it. President Bush would merely break into song, with the vocally trained secret service agents as his back up singers singing Â"I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.Â"

In 1921 renowned golf course architect Walter Travis redesigned the Cape Arundel Golf Course at 19 River Road, Kennebunkport, Maine, just down the road from the George Bush seaside compound. George Bush Sr. bought the beautiful home to keep up with the Kennedys. Walter Travis said of the Cape Arundel Golf Course he designed, Â"A really good golf course must abound in hazards, and good courses develop good players. Trees are non existent, as they should be, and the wind should always be an ever present factor on such a course. The greens are real beauties and will delight the soul of any real golfer.Â" This assumes that the golfer has a soul. To make the course more challenging, Mr. Travis placed improvised explosive devices on several of the cart paths. He was a true visionary.

ItÂ's amazing how golfers tie their entire sense of self worth to the way they are hitting the golf ball. Robert Trent Jones designed the Shady Oaks Golf Course in Fort Worth Texas, another Bush family favorite. Robert Trent Jones redesigned Augusta National in the late 1940Â's. Robert Trent Jones believed that golf should be a no risk, no reward sport. His golf courses encouraged daring play. Eminem wrote a song called Â"The Real Slim ShadyÂ" in which he says, Â"We aint nothing but mammals, well some of us cannibals who cut other people up like cantaloupes.Â"

In Â"The Silence of the LambsÂ", serial killer Buffalo Bill kidnaps and skins Kathy Martin, the daughter of Ruth Martin, the United States Senator from Tennessee. The famed forensic psychiatrist and serial killer cannibal Hannibal Lecter gives a riddle to young FBI agent Clarice Starling which leads Clarice to a rent a storage facility and the car of Benjamin Raspail, a former patient of Dr. Lecter. Hidden in the parked car is the severed head in a jar of Benjamin Raspail. This was Dr. LecterÂ's way of teaching his student to keep his head still on the backswing and the downswing until the swinging of the arms on the follow through brings the head up.

ItÂ's one thing to tell the average golfer to keep her head still. The fact is that a steady head is often the result of the movement of other body parts during the swing. Twenty thousand American men and women so far have left their body parts in the sands of Babylon. Butch Harmon, the former coach of Tiger Woods recently taught Phil Mickelson that the way to keep his head still on the backswing and cure his overswing was to keep his right knee firm and flexed on the backswing instead of straightening it out. Somehow Phil Mickelson won 30 PGA tournaments and 2 Masters at Augusta National straightening his right knee on the backswing and overswinging under the tutelage of his former coach Rick Smith. At least Rick Smith didnÂ't have Phil Mickelson hacking balls endlessly out of the rough at Oakmont in preparation H. for the U.S. Open until lefty developed chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and then sending him out to compete with one arm.

Christie Kerr recently won the U.S. Open golf tournament at Pine Needles by two shots over Lorena Ochoa and Angela Park. After her victory on the eighteenth green Christie Kerr ran over to her new husband Erik Stevens, jumped up on him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and her legs around his lower body, and hung there in suspension until all thoughts of Hale Irwin running around the green high fiving the gallery disappeared from the collective American consciousness. There are many ways to begin the downswing with the lower body, most of which lead to disaster. Jack Nicklaus, the Golden Bear recommends beginning the downswing by rolling the right ankle laterally and not allowing your head to ride forward. This is the secret to beginning the downswing properly, as it will drop your passive hands and arms to shoulder height from where you can then rotate your left forearm in a counter clockwise motion to the finish. However, George Bush says, Â"When you roll your right ankle!
laterally to begin the downswing, make sure that your right foot remains planted and no part of it comes off of the ground, otherwise you wil slide and come over the top, and you will shank, like I did by invading Iraq. IÂ'm very sorry. My fellow Americans and Jesus, please forgive me for I knew not what I was doing.Â"

Prehistoric Camel Found At Wal-Mart Dig

Sure, Wal-Mart carries a big inventory, but how about a prehistoric camel?

A nursery owner in Arizona was digging away with the simple goal of planting a new tree at the site of a future Wal-Mart, when he poked into the bones of an ancient camel.

He informed the curator of the geology museum at Arizona State University, Brad Archer, who hurried over and confirmed, "There's no question that this is a camel; these creatures walked the land here until about 8,000 years ago, when the same event that wiped out a great deal of mammal life took place."

The obliging owner of the nursery, John Babiarz, has agreed that the bones ought to go to the museum and be put on display.

Wal-Mart, however, has yet to agree and the rumor is the bones may go on sale.

An executive of the chain explained, Â"Since they found the camel on our property, itÂ's merchandise.Â"

The possibility of camel bones for sale has aroused resistance among local merchants, who fear having the ancient bones for sale will give Wal-Mart an unfair advantage.

Â"I donÂ't mind competing with Wal-Mart,Â" one store owner said, Â"but you canÂ't give them a big edge like a discount on old camel bones.Â"

Cheryl Crow Touches Carl Rove; Arm Falls Off

During a White House Correspondents Dinner, Cheryl Crow, who, with Laurie David, is doing a Stop Global Warming College Tour, went up to Carl Rove, hoping to discuss the environmental issue with him.

Carl didn't seem overly pleased with the subject matter.

Unaware of just how toxic his response might be, Cheryl touched his arm to soothe his irascible behavior.

"Don't touch me!" he barked at her, provoking some discussion as to the stability of his psychological state.

Cheryl beat a quick retreat, never suspecting that later in the evening her arm would fall off.

She was rushed to the hospital, where it was reattached, and she continued her environmentally correct tour.

Democrats Urge George Bush To Run For Third Term

Congressional Democrats, delighted with George BushÂ's stubborn resistance to their every request, have invited him to run for a third term. Forgoing support for their own roster of Democratic candidates, they have offered to vote for an exception to the 2-term limit.

Senator Harry Reid, outspoken opponent of the war in Iraq said, Â"WeÂ're just having such a darn good time failing to get the President to listen to common sense that weÂ'd like to keep it up for four more years. Think how dull it will be having someone whoÂ's actually responsive to Congress.Â"

Bush seemed pleased by the offer, saying, Â"IÂ've been concerned that, if by a long shot, a Democrat gets elected, my policy on Iraq might get changed. So I welcome the Democratic initiative to help me keep the war on track.Â"

Hillary Clinton, a bit miffed by her loss of Democratic support, commented, Â"I just donÂ't understand what Democrats are doing asking George Bush to run for another four years when they could have just as much fun bashing me.Â"

Senator Barack Obama joined in the disinclination to support the initiative, saying, Â"While I understand the entertainment value four more years of George Bush would offer the Democratic party, support for this alarming idea is enough to make me consider becoming a Republican.Â"

Exactly how the new Democratic push to reelect President Bush will work out remains uncertain. Apparently, their support for it depends on the unwavering obstinacy of the President.

A Treasure Chest for People Who Love Funny Clothing

I have always been a big fan of funny clothing. I am always on the look out for all types of funny clothing, especially when I am out of town. You see, funny t-shirt are the thing in our city and practically everybody has one. Well this has become a disadvantage, at least in my own point of view. I just hate bumping into someone with an exact same shirt as mine. So I like to buy my funny clothing somewhere outside the city; but only until I happened upon a wonderful website. ItÂ's called recklessts.com. You open the page and youÂ're greeted with amazing funny tees. ItÂ's practically a treasure chest for me. What is even better about the site is that you donÂ't only get funny tees, but you get original funny t-shirts. Now I donÂ't have to worry about embarrassing encounters with people wearing identical shirts.

Now let me stress this—recklessts.com offers not only unique funny tees but hilarious tees at that. By this I mean really funny shirts. Now youÂ'll have people laughing out loud. You canÂ't get any cooler than that. And because theyÂ're unique, you are assured that you are not wearing yet another old joke. Most of their humorous T-shirts are not very wholesome. Well, this is the exact reason why I like them. Whenever my Mom gives me Â"her look,Â" I simply say,Â" Mom, we call that wit.Â"

DonÂ't get the wrong idea. Recklessts.com is not all about t-shirts. As a matter of fact, they now offer funny hats too. Now I can have a whole new range of collection. And did I mention that they offer custom screen printing in Tempe Arizona?

Not only does the website offer amazing products but it also provides great customer service. Ordering is pretty simple. You simply click on the product you wish to purchase (plus the size of your choice). After which you click on the button that says Â"ADD TO CART.Â" Then the site will do the rest. You will be automatically transferred to PayPalÂ's shopping cart where you only have to enter your shipping information and the payment method of your choice and youÂ're done with the transaction. If you still find this simple procedure a hassle, you hold the option of calling Recklessts.com via telephone no. (480) 678-4488.

Another wonderful thing about Recklessts.com is its Return Policy. The site guarantees refund for shirts that are returned unworn and unwashed within 30 days of purchase. This is one feature I donÂ't need though. I have always been satisfied by the shirts I order from the site. I find the siteÂ's privacy policy more important. You see, I am a security buff. I worry about identity thieves who manage to steal from peopleÂ's credit card accounts. Credit card security is one area where I lose my sense of humor. ItÂ's all business for me. ItÂ's a good thing Recklessts.com uses PayPal, a secure network that is well worth my trust.

Viral Video Quickly Becoming Its Own Genre

What works as viral video? What type of video are you, as the viewer, going to want to forward to all your friends, and they, in turn, will want to forward to all their friends, and so on until the Â"virusÂ" effect of the video has spread to millions?

There are no definite, key examples of what makes a video become viral.

The Videos That Have Become Viral

Why did the Paul Potts video (from BritainÂ's Got Talent) get 17 million views on YouTube? Because itÂ's inspirational.

Why did Will FerrellÂ's The Landlord become the backbone of his entire Funnyordie website? Because it was funny, and, more importantly, had Will Ferrell in it.

Why did the Cheerleader Getting Run over by a football team become viral? Because it was extreme?

Why did 2 Girls 1 Cup (we refuse to link this video), the single most disgusting and abhorrent video of all time become viral? More on that later.

Do these videos have anything in common? Do they have one identifiable trait that makes them marketable?

Â"These videos have something inherent in them that makes people want to watch them over and over,Â" explains Chris, a prominent Independent film Producer from Los Angeles, Â"ThereÂ's no rhyme or reason and thereÂ's no pre-defined set of qualifications.Â"

Â"IÂ've seen videos fail that featured huge stars and good writingÂ… and they were funny,Â" states Joey, a Hollywood writer, Â"They just didnÂ't have that viral nature.Â"

Or in the case of a video like The Glitch, featuring American PieÂ's Jason BiggsÂ… a little too long.

Â"People have 30 seconds to 2 minutes to watch a clip at work before theyÂ're caught,Â" says Tom, an Actor from Los Angeles, Â"they donÂ't have 8-10 minutes!Â"

The Most Disgusting Video Ever - Why Are People Watching It?

2 Girls 1 Cup is perhaps the most graphically disgusting video of all time. It features two women feasting on, letÂ's just say Â"fecal matterÂ". Why did everyone pay attention to it? What was the attraction? ItÂ's unknown.

After that video went viral, a stream of Â"reactionÂ" videos surfaced. These videos were basically friends filming other friends watching 2 Girls 1 Cup and trying to catch their reaction, which most of the time was a gut wrenching puke.

These reaction videos became more popular than the original video itself, but also served to market the original video unintentionally, with the logic being, Â"If the reaction is so bad, IÂ've gotta see it!Â"

There are even phony Â"spoofÂ" reaction videos popping up, the newest of which is Kermit the Frog watching the video and reacting with profanity.

Another spoof is Â"2 Guys 1 Cup featuring John MayerÂ", which happens to be a non offensive video set to the same music but featuring two guys sharing a cup of ice-cream.

Hard to Define

Viral video is hard to define, but it is quickly becoming its own genre.

I had a college professor once, in an attempt to define poetry, say this:

Â"Poetry is like pornography. ItÂ's tough to define, but you know it when you see it.Â"

Substitute Â"Viral VideoÂ" for Â"PoetryÂ" and you have a definition of the viral video genre worthy of Websters.

Comeback of the Mustache? I Don't Think So

There is an ugly rumor circulating about the return of the 1970s mustache-wearing male finding his way to the 21st century. Is this a backlash to the metrosexual era? Is this a way for the "regular guy" to reclaim his masculinity? Is this a way of making food stuck to a man's face acceptable?

As a single woman, I strongly object to this horrific trend.

I'm not going to throw around careless accusations against facial hair. That just wouldnÂ't be right. Rather, my approach will be fair and balanced. You know, the reporting style made famous by Fox News.

For starters, the mustache reminds me of 1970s porn. As a kid, I wasn't always able to recognize the vital body parts through the scrambled Playboy Channel, but I could always tell if the man was wearing a mustache. Not a sexy scene, my friends.

Sticking with the 1970s theme, my father sported a mustache back then, and I don't want to date a man that resembles him. That's taking the Father Complex theory way too far.

Most importantly, I have very sensitive skin. In fact, so sensitive that I once went out on a date with a man that had facial hair and after three hours of lip smacking, my skin became so irritated that I developed a rash. Sure, you can make the argument that the rash was due to the marathon-long make-out session, not the mustache per se, but this isnÂ't a time to be logical. Let's keep the focus of this post where it belongs, on the ill-conceived return of the mustache.

I'm not prejudiced; I'm against all mustaches.

Pencil mustache? No way. It reminds me of John Waters.

The toothbrush? Um, no. Charlie Chaplin donned that one for a reason: it's funny-looking.

Horseshoe-style mustache? Nice try. Hulk Hogan can get away with it is because wrestlers are cartoon-like.

Magnum, P. I. mustache? Oh, now you're playing dirty (I like that), but chances are you don't look like Tom Selleck. Psssssst. If you share his rugged good looks, e-mail me your digits.

Guys, take it from me. I won't steer you wrong. There is a reason the mustache trend died a slow death. Here's a hint: men aren't supposed to be walking buffets, able to select from an assortment of late-night snacks trapped in their hippielips.

IÂ'm just sayin'.

Would You Kiss My Dog?

You might think twice before allowing a dog to give you a big wet kiss if you know what I know. I also want to apologize in advance to all dog lovers. I remain an admirer of dogs, just from a distance where my face is out of reach of their over-exuberant tongues.

As a child growing up in the boonies of Alabama we had a succession of dogs, some memorable and some I'd rather forget. One thing they all had in common is a trait all dogs everywhere participate in with gusto, one in which prevents me to this day from allowing a dog anywhere near my mouth.

Early on in life, while still blissfully unaware, I had no qualms in allowing the current family's dog the liberty of indulging itself in a round of good-natured face-licking. After all this is for most people one of the most endearing aspect of canine ownership, letting the mutt shower them with doggie kisses for as long as the dogs owner could stand it. The pooch thinks it is showing its owner the proper display of submissive behavior and affection and believe me when I tell you that a dog will slobber all over you as long as you allow it.

As I said before, my early years were spent in blissful unawareness of Fido's hygienic tendencies. Thinking about that very aspect of doggie behavior today brings back the gag reflex I experienced when I finally discovered, far too late unfortunately, how the mutt went about its daily ablutions.

The dog we had at the time, if I recall, was a stray that sort of drifted in one day and decided to stay and see which way the wind blew. I saw him as companion for my many explorations back into the hills and ridges of the Appalachians. To give credit where credit is due I will say that dog was a champion walker. He would accompany me as long and as far as I asked him too.

Now to the gist of this story. I remember it was a scorching hot August day. One of those kind of days where the air was thick and hard to breath. Anyway I was lounging on the front porch, enjoying a cold drink, and not paying attention to anything in particular. A movement caught my eye and I saw our dog coming down the road towards the house, returning from who knows what type of foray. About a block from the property I saw him stop suddenly and peer intently at something at his feet. Then he eased himself down onto the ground and started rolling around on his back, legs flailing the air, tongue lolling out, and appearing to be in a state of puppy bliss. Needless to say this aroused my attention. I stood up and wandered over to see what had gotten the dog all excited. Was there such a thing as dognip?

Arriving on the scene my eyes were met with the disgusting spectacle of the dog rolling in the partially decomposed remains of some poor creature that wasn't able to dodge fast enough. The way the dog was carrying on you would have thought he had discovered the next greatest scent guaranteed to sweep the lady dogs off their feet. He spent a good ten minutes covering every square inch of his body with the essence of the carcass. He even belly-crawled over it a few times just to make sure no spot was missed.

Once he completed this gruesome task he stood up, shook himself off, gave me a sideways glance, and headed for the porch. I stood there in shock for a second, barely able to believe what I had just witnessed. Finally gathering my wits about me I decided it would be prudent to put as much distance between me and the dog as possible. My plan was to casually walk by him (holding my breath of course), enter the front door, and escape quietly out the back door and make for the hills as fast as my legs would carry me for the remainder of the day. My reasoning was if I was several miles away I wouldn't have to put up with the smell and best of all one of the other kids would have to give the dog a bath once the rest of the family caught wind of it.

Just about when I put my hand on the door handle to let myself in I noticed the dog engaged in yet another of the favorite pastimes of dogs everywhere. He had commenced licking himself over every inch of his body that he could reach. My stomach started doing flip-flops because I knew where he had been less than a minute prior, but for some unknown reason I was transfixed. I could not walk away. Some morbid part of me wanted to see just how far and how long this dog would go with this spectacle.

For a good half hour I bore witness as this dog slurped himself from stem to stern, spending an inordinate amount of time in the stern area if you get my meaning. With disgust and fascination I watched the whole gruesome process, sitting down at some point to see if it would help the nausea I felt coming on.

Once his ablutions were over he licked his chops as if he had just finished a choice sirloin, set his sights on me, and before I could react, pounced towards me with a twinkle in his eye and a bounce in his step. Upon later reflection I finally reasoned he wanted to thank me for "sharing" the experience by offering me some of that love and affection dogs are famous for.

Instinct took over at that point and I engaged in a hasty retreat, crab-walking backwards with the dog getting ever closer, intent on showering me with attention. I stumbled slightly and he saw this as his chance. He lunged at my face with his mouth open and his tongue ready to give me the love and affection he felt I deserved as his master.

Things moved pretty much in a blur at this point which is understandable considering the speed in which I moved. I vaguely remember attempting to pull my head down between my shoulders like a turtle to prevent direct contact while at the same time levitating myself to the porch railing, just barely escaping the dog and his cesspool of a mouth.

Realizing he had missed his chance he looked a little contrite and hurt that I should deny him what he felt was his righteous duty. Between a fit of hyper-gagging and impaired vision brought on by the fumes emanating wafting about the porch I managed to warn him off and escaped into the house.

After awhile I calmed myself down and started thinking about my previous escape plan and the possibility of putting it into action while I still could when I was overcome with a sudden sense of dread. I suddenly remembered that the previous day I had allowed this same dog, the very one who had just spent almost an hour in the most revolting display I had ever witnessed, kiss me square on the mouth.

I wont go into what happened next other than to say it took me about a week, three giant tubes of toothpaste, and a couple of king-sized bottles of Listerine before I got the taste out of my mouth.

Think about it folks. You might want to reconsider if PoochyPoo and his dog bad breath want to share with you where his tongue has been just before he came over to give you a smack on the lips.

Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes

If you visit Indian and some neighboring countries of it, youÂ'll hear lots of bone tickling jokes. And among all funny and humorous jokes youÂ'll certainly hear Sardar jokes. These Sardar are the residents of Punjab (one of the state of India), they are famous for their jokes which are very humorous.

It is hard to locate when the first Sardar jokes was said or who was the first one to say those jokes but the jokes regarding them are still very famous as they were in the past. People enjoy Sardar jokes more rather than other jokes.

In these jokes the behavior of Sardar are reflected in humorous manner so that they sound funny and create laughter. You might be wondering as what are these Sardar jokesÂ… Here are of the latest Sardar jokes:

Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together . An Englishman came up and asked, Â"Hey guys, what is your favorite flower?Â"

The Hindu replied, Â'LotusÂ'
Â'Ha, I clean my shit with that!Â' the Englishman jeered.

The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.

The Muslim replied: Â"ChameliÂ"
Â'Ha I clean my shit with that!Â' The Englishman response

The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.

The Englishman asked Santa, Â'Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower?Â'
Patriotic Santa replied: Â'Cactus! and replied, Â"Now clean your ass with that!Â"

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Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: Â"What are you searching for?Â"

Santa Singh: Â"Hidden camera!Â"

Jasmeet: Â"And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?Â"

Santa Singh: Â"That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, you are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?Â"

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Banta Singh wants to celebrate his wifeÂ's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says: LetÂ's put, Â"you are not getting older you are getting betterÂ".

The salesman asks, Â"How do you want me to put it?Â"

Sardar says, well put Â"You are not getting olderÂ", at the top and Â"You are getting betterÂ" at the bottom.

The real fun didnÂ't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

Â"You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottomÂ".

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These were some of the funny latest Sardar jokes. You can find a huge collection of these jokes on web. These jokes are really a good opener of laughter. So if you are lonely and bored, donÂ't hesitate to find some latest Sardar jokes on web and have fun reading them.