Tony Blair Sends Nick Faldo and Posh Spice for British Sailors

As every criminal investigator knows, the way to get a confession is through threats and bribes. As every politician knows, the way to get filthy rich is by towing the line of your major contributors.

An Archduke is a rank below King but above Duke. For Americans who forget their British roots, a Duchess is the feminine of Duke and an Archduchess is the feminine of Archduke. On June 28, 1914 Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie were visiting the wounded at Walter Reed in Sarajevo, Austria. At 11 A.M. Gavrilo Princip shot Sophie who died instantly. Then Gavrilo Princip shot Franz in the jugular vein and he died minutes later. Doctor Joshua Perper ruled the deaths accidental.

These assassinations have gone down in history as Â"The shot heard round the worldÂ" because they were the trigger for World War 1. Leonard Franklin Slye was a singer and American cowboy actor who changed his name to Roy Rogers. Roy RogersÂ' third wife was Dale Evans. Roy Rogers rode a golden palomino named Trigger. Dale EvansÂ' horse was named Buttermilk. A Triggerette is a trusted assistant on the rodeo circuit. Fanny Sunesson was the caddy and Trigerette of 3 time Masters Champion Nick Faldo. Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham is the wife of football soccer star David Beckham, the captain of the English National Football team.

The MLS is the Major League Soccer League of the United States. The MLS has teams in American hotbeds of soccer such as Salt Lake City Utah, Columbus Ohio, Foxborough Massachusetts and Carson California, the home of the Carson Chivas and the Los Angeles Galaxy. The Los Angeles Galaxy recently signed David Beckham to become the Messiah of American Soccer on a five year contract worth $50 million dollars per year including endorsements. Unfortunately Spanish football star Jesus Garay Vecino was unavailable.

George Bush is the former owner of the Texas Rangers. George Bush said, Â"I never dreamed about being President. When I was growing up I wanted to be Willie Mays.Â" Unfortunately his father married Barbara Bush and not Diana Ross of the Supremes. The Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is waiting for the two Muslim Messiahs Jesus Christ and the Mahdi to conquer the world for Islam. In order to bring on the advent of the two Muslim Messiahs Ayatollah Ali Khamenei must trigger the Apocalypse. In order for George Bush to bring on the advent of the Messiah Jesus Christ to conquer the world for Christianity, George Bush must trigger the Apocalypse, nuclear world war 3. In other words both Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and George Bush are suicide bombers and you and I are caught in the crossfire.

God helps those who help themselves. This is why Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is building nuclear bombs in Iran. His faith in the might of Allah is not absolute. He is not counting on Allah parting the Persian Gulf. Likewise the faith of George Bush in God the Father aka God of Mount Sinai aka Allah in Arabic is not absolute. He is like Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane pleading Â"Father please take this cup of Chivas Regal from my hand.Â" George Bush is wondering how God the Father aka Allah could leave him floundering in Iraq for over four years with the greatest military force in history brought to their knees by 19 guys with exacto knives.

The time has come to bring Rollie Fingers in from the bullpen to save the game for Manchester United. Nick Faldo and Posh Spice are in Tehran today at the behest of Tony Blair arranging the release of the 15 British sailors recently captured by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Richard Armitage recently disclosed to Robert Novak that Nick Faldo and Victoria Beckham are covert operatives of MI6. Prior to leaving, Posh Spice told Harvey Levin of tmz dot com, Â"The fate of life on earth depends upon the safe return of Prince Harry and the other 14 British sailors. If they are killed, George Bush and Tony Blair intend to turn Iran into a radioactive sand trap. If I have to I intend to sing, dance and perform for every Imam in the Muslim World. Nick Faldo is bringing his handheld golf gps caddie to prove to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei that Prince Harry was in Iraqi waters when he was captured and that the Iranian Navy had their yardages wrong. Unfortunately much depends upon the health of Ayato!
llah Ali Khamenei. If his cancer is at a late stage he may want to be here for the Apocalypse and he may decide to sink the American Aircraft carriers with his Russian Sizzler missiles. In that case I will sing Â"GoodbyeÂ" from the Spice GirlsÂ' Â"ForeverÂ" album.Â"

Hi! I'm a Happy Axe Murderer!

The shriek was one of complete, conscious fear. Their parents raced to the room. Matthew stood over his quivering, prostrate sister, plastic axe in hand, beaming.

MatthewÂ's father boomed, Â"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?Â"

His sister choked out the words between sobs, Â"He, he hit me with his axe.Â"

MatthewÂ's mother checked her darling daughter for gashes and contusions.

Â"SheÂ's okay,Â" she assured everyone, Â"just shaken.Â" A cuddle, a kiss away of tears, and the six year-old sidled to her bedroom to avoid the inevitably loud reprimand.

Â"MATTHEW,Â" boomed his father, Â"WE-DO-NOT-HIT-PEOPLE-WITH-AXES!Â"

Â"No hit people with axe?Â" Matthew queried.

Â"No, we do not hit people with axes.Â"

Â"Okay, hit couch with axe?Â" He looked hopefully at his father.

His father sighed. Â"Yes, you can hit the couch with the axe.Â"

Â"Matthew fire-fighter,Â" he said as he repeatedly walloped the couch.

MatthewÂ's mother feared for the integrity of her sofaÂ's fabric. Â"Come here Matthew,Â" she said. He did, axe in his left hand. She lifted him onto her lap, took his right hand, moved it softly over her hair. Â"This,Â" she said, Â"this is how people liked to be touched.Â"

Â"Pat people, mama?Â"

Â"Yes, pat people.Â"

Â"And cuddle people?Â"

His mother smiled. He was learning. Realistically, juvenile detention could be ten years away but he was capable of learning. They wouldnÂ't have to worry about defence lawyersÂ' fees eating into their non-existent retirement fund. She pulled him to her chest, Â"Yes, cuddle people.Â"

Matthew drew back, smiled, raised the axe in his left hand, Â"Then hit people with axe, mama?Â"

http://oneiopen.wordpress.com/2007/03/26/hi-i%e2%80%99m-a-happy-axe-murderer/

Iran May Become 51st State. Only Safe Way To Get Nukes.

The crafty Iranian leadership, rethinking their agenda of reckless self-endangerment – such as their inevitably suicidal attempt to gain nuclear weapons and their calculated meddling in Iraq – have decided that the safer course of action may be to apply for U. S. statehood.

Upon admission as the 51st state, Iran would become a nuclear power without the possibility of being attacked, at least, by the United States, and George Bush could order the governor of Iran to keep his state's conniving hands out of Iraq.

In fact, as the 51st state, Iran would transform the United States from being any sort of threat to being obligated to defend it as much as it's prepared to defend Texas.

Of course, if IranÂ's initiative toward U. S. statehood is to stand a chance for Congressional approval, Iran and America will obviously have to make some mutual accommodations. For instance, Iran will have to fly the American flag in the state capital, most likely Tehran, and America will have to find a place for the Iranian flag in Washington, as well as the addition of a 51st star to Old Glory.

On being questioned about IranÂ's possible movement toward statehood, Iranian President Mamoud Ahmadinejad stated, Â"I have considered the idea of U. S. statehood very carefully and I actually find merit in it, especially since our Assembly of Experts and our Expediency Discernment Council have both advised me that they find merit in it. Should the United States be fortunate enough to have Iran as the 51st state, my hope is that IÂ'll be elected governor of Iran, just as George Bush was the governor of Texas. Then IÂ'll finally have some influence on American policy.Â"

President Bush, on hearing about the rumored Iranian initiative, responded, Â"IÂ'm skeptical that it can work. Frankly, I donÂ't see how a Persian nation can fit in. But, as always, IÂ'm open minded. So IÂ'm willing to consider the benefits, if anybody can point one out. Until then, my assumption is thereÂ's a less diplomatic answer.Â"

Surprisingly, Dick Cheney did not immediately dismiss the idea, commenting, Â"Much as I am inclined to oppose statehood for Iran, I am aware that, should that remote possibility become a reality, it would add significantly to U. S. oil reserves.Â"

Supreme Iranian leader Ali Khamenei, otherwise known as President AhmadinejadÂ's boss, while suspected of having his last liberal thought at the age of five, voiced guarded interest in American statehood for Iran, saying, Â"IÂ'm not sure how comfortable IÂ'd be as an American Islamic cleric but, as such, I would be able to address the infidels over there as my fellow Americans. I would even be able to say politically correct things like, Â'Allah bless America.Â' Such heaven-sent opportunities might increase my chances of converting America to Islam.Â"

The former President of Iran and mild-mannered reformer, Mohammad Khatami, who is now serving as chairman of the Militant Clerics League, was jubilant; in fact, when hearing about the remote possibility of a statehood initiative, he leaped up from his prayer rug so enthusiastically that his turban flew off. Replacing it, he commented, Â"What an astonishing turn of events! As you know, I have often been considered pro-Western, which largely accounts for my political defeat in the presidential election. But, should Iran become a state, my stance will not make me so much of a political pariah; in fact, I can go from being pro-Western all the way to being pro-American.Â"

And the Deputy Chairman of the Assembly of Experts and Chairman of the Expediency Discernment Council, oil millionaire and devoted mullah Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, commented, Â"I have advised the Assembly and the Council and anybody else who will listen that I do find some interesting possibilities in the idea of American statehood and will continue to find them as long as, after IÂ'm an American, I can become the chairman of Exxon-Mobil.Â"

Of course, should Iran decide to move forward with its initiative to become the 51st state, the motion will have to be debated by the U. S. Congress. As usual, Democrats and Republicans have expressed divergent views on the issue.

Senator Harry Reid, D-Nevada, said, Â"We in the senate know quite well all the things the Iranians have been doing that upset us. You may also have noticed that the Bush administration has been powerless to stop them. While such confrontational behavior may hurt IranÂ's chances for passage of a statehood bill, should it somehow pass, I can see that having some Iranians in Congress might make Tehran more responsive.Â"

On the other hand, Senator Trent Lott, R-Mississippi, expostulated, Â"The entire idea of Iran as a state of the Union is preposterous. I mean, how can you welcome people into these United States who shout things like Â'death to America? And whatÂ's that language they speak, Farsi? And IÂ'll bet, even after theyÂ're Americans, they wonÂ't let their women wear dresses.Â"

Meanwhile, Britain, miffed over TehranÂ's arrest of 15 British sailors for allegedly trespassing on Iranian waters and the arrogant manner of their release, expressed enthusiasm for the possibility of Iranian statehood, with Prime Minister Tony Blair noting, Â"The rather curious effort by Iran to become the 51st state is a welcome way to prevent any further meddling with our navy in the Persian Gulf, principally because British sailors have not been arrested in American waters since the Revolutionary War.Â"

Of course, IranÂ's application can only commence after Supreme leader Ali Khamenei tells everybody else in Iran that the idea is OK with him.

His final word may be forthcoming sooner than later, since the Iranians are well aware that, if they do file a formal application for statehood, they will have to contend with Congress, which is the only body that can rival them for stalling on an issue.

Study Determines Reading NewsLaugh Helps You Live Longer

Good news. People with a sense of humor live longer, says researcher Sven Svebak of the medical school at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology.

He presented his study in Budapest at a meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society.

Sven kept tabs on 54,000 Norwegians over a seven year time-frame.

At the start of the study, the participants were asked to fill out a form about how likely they are to find humor in real-life situations and how important they thought having a humorous outlook is.

Guess what? The higher they rated humorous qualities, the more likely they were to get to the end of the study alive.

In fact, the subjects who ranked in the top quarter for thinking humor is important turned out to be 35% more likely to be alive than the folks in the bottom quarter.

And, if you happened to have cancer at the beginning of the study, you were even more likely to survive. A highly developed sense of humor improved the chances that people with cancer would make it through the seven years by a remarkably remedial 70%.

So hereÂ's to your sense of humor – and what better way to cultivate it than to read the sanely funny humor NewsLaugh specializes in?

Clever Golden Retriever, Toby, Performs Performs Heimlich Maneuver On Choking Owner

A woman named Debbie Parkhurst was snacking on sliced apples when a bite got stuck in her throat. She tried a variety of urgent ways to get it out, such as beating herself on the chest.

Debbie reports that the odd activity must have clued in her unusually clever golden retriever, Toby, because, as she tells it, "The next think I know, TobyÂ's up on his hind feet, and heÂ's got his front paws on my shoulders. He pushed me to the ground and, once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest."

The slice of apple popped out and, knowing he had saved her life, Toby began to lick her face.

"I literally have paw-shaped bruises on my chest," Debbie said. "IÂ'm still a little hoarse, but otherwise IÂ'm OK."

She was taken to the hospital, just in case, and, she reports, "The doctor said I probably wouldnÂ't be here without Toby."

So hereÂ's to Toby – our clever monkey of the month, even if he accomplished his feat just because he likes to jump on his owner.

Judgment Of Iranian Leaders Kidnapped

In the wake of the Iranian arrest of 15 British sailors for supposedly trespassing on Iranian waters and the arrogant release of them, Britain Prime Minister Tony Blair has concluded, Â"Apparently, someone has kidnapped the judgment of the Iranian leadership.Â"

Â"If you think about it,Â" Blair went on to say, Â"What could the Iranians possibly have had to gain, while they could have lost a great deal, for example, Tehran.Â"

President Bush joined in BlairÂ's accusation, stating, Â"Yep, thereÂ's just no other explanation. And I know from personal experience what itÂ's like to have your judgment kidnapped. IÂ'm reminded of it every time I refuse to leave Iraq to the Iraqis.Â"

Responding to the accusation that the judgment in Iran has gone missing, Iranian President Mamoud Ahmadinejad, commented, Â"Instead of apologizing over trespassing by British forces, the world arrogant powers issued statements and delivered speeches. Now, as you can plainly see, my assumption of their guilt in the statement I just made in no way indicates that my judgment has been kidnapped.Â"

Then, pointing to his head, but accidentally poking himself in the eye, he concluded, Â"My judgment is right where it used to be.Â"

Jumping Ship

Â"I canÂ't stand anymore chicken!Â" a vacationing guest, who seemed a bit tipsy, shouted at the captain of the cruise ship, and then leaped overboard.

The captain rushed to the railing and peered into the heaving waves. There bobbed his malcontent passenger.

Recently, there had been an inexplicable spate of vacationers aboard cruise ships choosing to jump ship. Now, one of his passengers had chosen to go over the edge.

A shot of adrenalin made his heart thump, and he turned, saw the first mate, and called, Â"Passenger overboard! Life boat! Man the life boats! Alert the Coast Guard! We need assistance!Â"

Just then the wife of the man who just jumped ship threw her arms up, and yelled, Â"Count me out, too!Â"

Â"Why?Â" Captain Walsh demanded.

As she dashed for the railing, she took a moment to inform him, Â"Even the spaghetti is inedible!Â"

Then over she went.

Walsh watched her spin toward the water and splash down near her water-treading husband.

Â"Dear me,Â" he lamented, and turned to his curiously desultory first mate, Â"Make that two lifeboats!Â"

Then he steeled himself for his greatest challenge. All the passengers had now gathered on the deck and appeared unsettlingly malcontent. The insane thought passed through his mind that they might opt for going overboard en masse.

Then he noticed telltale signs that his worst nightmare could come true. For instance, a few especially irate guests were brandishing hastily scrawled signs, saying such things as, Â"Better Entertainment Now!Â" Â"Freedom From Bingo!Â" and Â"Clean The Pool!Â"

Â"Now, see here,Â" the captain said, Â"I know youÂ're all not thrilled with every aspect of the cruise, but surely there are some enjoyable things.Â"

Â"Name one!Â" a disgruntled passenger challenged him.

Â"Well, how about the port calls?Â" he asked weakly. Â"And all the wonderful shopping opportunities?Â"

Â"Robbery in every port!Â" a man let out. Â"Disguised as sale prices!Â"

Â"You think this seashell necklace is worth a thousand dollars?Â" a particularly irate female shopper said, holding up the stringed bauble.

Â"To the rails!Â' another man yelled.

Â"WeÂ're off of here!Â" a woman exclaimed.

Then the entire group, every last passenger currently still aboard the ship, as far as the captain could tell, made a move for the rail.

Â"Stop! I order you to stay on board!Â" Walsh commanded, and placed his body between the rail and the ocean-bound passengers.

Â"Stand aside!Â" a rather brawny traveler in Bermudas shouted, waving a threatening ping-pong paddle.

Â"No more watered-down mixed drinks for me!Â" another man screamed.

Â"Or slot machines where everybody loses!Â" a woman chimed in.

Then the sea of passengers pressed forward, and Captain Walsh found himself being helplessly twirled aside by one pair of rail-bent hands after another. Then, to his shock, he watched helplessly as every single guest leap off the boat.

Â"How we gonna explain this to headquarters!Â" the first mate called from the lifeboats, which he and a gaggle of other crew members were attempting to activate.

The alarmed captain peered down at all the guests, splashing in the waves, and then looked back at the first mate. Â"Quick – the lifeboats! WeÂ've got to save everyone or weÂ'll be finished – washed up, forever!Â"

Just then the shipÂ's chef and his staff appeared on the deck and hurried toward the captain. Â"Is it true? All the passengers?Â" the chef asked, and peered over the rail.

Â"Every last one of them!Â" the captain wailed.

Â"It couldnÂ't be the food?Â" the chef wanted to know.

Â"Could it?Â" the sous chef queried.

Â"I have to be honest. Some did mention that.Â"

Â"I feel terrible about this,Â" the chef sighed. Â"My cooking days are over.Â"

Then he motioned to his staff, and they all made for the rail.

Â"Hold it!Â" the captain said. Â"Not you and the kitchen crew, too?Â"

Â"The least we can do is join them!Â" returned the chef. Then, with a flourish, he added, Â"If only I had better ingredients!Â"

And over the rail he and his fellow denizens of the kitchen went.

Â"Chef and staff overboard!Â" the captain called.

Then, to his dismay, the first mate and the crew members who were helping to launch the lifeboats stopped their vital work and climbed down to the deck.

Â"What are you doing?Â" Captain Walsh called. Â"Man those lifeboats!Â"

Worse yet, now the rest of the crew emerged from below. They all made their way toward him.

Â"What are you doing?Â" he asked. Â"WeÂ've got passengers drowning down there!Â"

Â"I donÂ't know, captain,Â" the first mate replied. Â"WeÂ've been talking.Â"

Â"You what?Â" the captain inquired.

Â"Me and the crew, and we decided having one passenger jump ship is bad enough – but all of them?Â"

Â"No way we can save them all,Â" a crew member volunteered.

Â"And even if we rescue most of them,Â" another crew member lamented, Â"what future do we have?Â"

Â"WeÂ're finished,Â" the first mate sighed.

Â"Disgraced!Â" a crew member put in.

Â"We could even go to jail,Â" the first mate advised him.

Â"Maybe the passengers have the right idea,Â" another crew member conceded. Â"Can you believe how bad the comedian was last night? Not one good joke!Â"

Â"And what about the singer?Â" another crew member asked. Â"I canÂ't stand the way she screeches on every high note.Â"

Â"Excuse us, sir,Â" the mate told the captain, Â"but I think weÂ've pretty much made up our minds.Â" Then he turned to the crew. Â"Shall we?Â"

Â"What else?Â" one replied.

And then, to the captainÂ's dismay, they all jumped ship. He followed their decent. Then there they all were, splashing in the ocean among the passengers.

Now he heard steps behind him and turned. The entertainers were hurrying toward him.

Â"WhatÂ's going on?Â" the comedian asked.

Â"Everybody jumped ship,Â" the captain told them, pointing over the rail.

The troupe of entertainers rushed to the rail and looked down.

Â"Why would they do that?Â" the singer with the screechy voice asked.

Â"They seem to have had a variety of reasons.Â"

Â"Not the entertainment?Â" a faux-Hawaiian dancer asked.

Â"IÂ'm afraid it played a role,Â" the captain admitted.

Â"YouÂ've got to be kidding,Â" the ventriloquist replied.

Â"Once this gets out, weÂ'll never work another cruise!Â" a male singer said, distraught.

Â"LetÂ's face it. Our careers are kaput,Â" another dancer sighed.

Â"What are we going to do – just stand here?Â" the comedian wanted to know.

Â"As I see it, the right thing to do is join our audience,Â" the ventriloquist concluded.

Â"Hold it,Â" the captain said, grabbing the ventriloquist by the shirt. Â"You canÂ't be serious?Â"

Â"DonÂ't worry,Â" he said, and held up his dummy. Â"Herman floats.Â"

Â"Got a better idea, captain?Â" the comedian asked.

Â"You want to live to explain this to management?Â" the Hawaiian dancer said.

Â"Maybe youÂ've got something there,Â" Captain Walsh admitted. Â"Yes, by golly, I think you do. But, as the captain, I insist on being the last to abandon ship.Â"

Â"Spoken like a true captain,Â" the comedian assured him, and turned to the rest. Â"Ready, team?Â"

Â"Ready!Â" the ventriloquist said, and his dummy Herman added, Â"Famous last words!Â"

And so, as the captain stood by, all the entertainers leaped bravely overboard.

Walsh watched them plummet into the crowded sea.

Â"Oh, well,Â" he told himself, Â"itÂ's been a good career, until now.Â" Then he called, Â"Anybody left on board?Â"

Not a single voice interrupted the ocean breeze.

Â"Then itÂ's over the side for me!Â" he called, and looked at the crowded sea in search of an unoccupied area. And over he went.

Down he fell, toward the tossing passengers, crew, chef with the kitchen staff, and entertainers. He managed to splash into the water, instead of landing on top of any of the former occupants of his ship, and sank beneath the waves.

When he bobbed back up, he awoke, wet with sweat, and found himself doing the breaststroke on his mattress.

What a nightmare! he thought.

And he resolved to speak to management. Obviously, there were things about life on cruise ships that could be improved, and he vowed to be the champion of change.

Just to make sure all was well, he got out of bed and opened a port. He saw a young couple, leaning against the railing. They seemed to be in a romantic mood and not at all likely to jump overboard. He smiled, closed the port, and went back to bed.

It felt especially good to know he still had his passengers on board, along with his crew, kitchen staff, and, no doubt, his troupe of gifted entertainers.

Islamic Woman Nabbed For Wearing Belt Made Of Live Crocodiles

Some news stories are so funny thereÂ's little to do except present them for any of our readers who havenÂ't chanced upon them. HereÂ's one that demonstrates female Islamic dress can get even more frightening than it already is.

It seems that guards at a crossing at the Rafah terminal in southern Gaza noticed that a Moslem woman appeared, despite her veiled face and loose robe, Â"strangely fat.Â" They mustered the courage to approach the oddly shaped lass, despite the possibility that she might be outfitted with an unusually robust suicide belt.

Propriety being observed to a fault, lest some inadvertence lead to stoning or another alarming throwback, a female guard was entrusted to examine the woman – and discovered, to her dismay, that her examinee was actually wearing a belt made up of three live crocodiles, each about 20 inches long.

The incident sparked panic at the crossing. "The policewoman screamed and ran out of the room, and then women began screaming and panicking when they heard," a spokeswoman for the European observers who run the crossing explained. When things calmed down, she said, "everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body."

The woman, it turns out, was attempting to smuggle the reptiles out of Egypt to sell them to the small zoo in Gaza or to anybody else who might be interested in owning a pet croc.

As you might guess, in that male-dominated and sadly regressive part of the world, the woman confessed that she "was asked" to transport the crocodiles. The reptilian items would be worth "good money" in Gaza, up to about $500.

At least, the guys who trusted her with job had the foresight to tie the jaws of her cargo of crocs shut.

The errant animals were returned to the Egyptian side, no doubt much to the disappointment of the lady who was smuggling them and the men who outfitted her.

Eight Fired U. S. Attorneys Asked If Gonzales Should Stay

In a rare turn of events, in which the victims of political nonsense get to have their day in court, the eight U. S. attorneys who were fired under the watch of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have been asked to decide if he should stay on the job.

When asked how they might vote, one of the attorneys said, Â"I always like to give the guy who fires me a chance to keep his own position.Â"

Another one noted the testimony by the Attorney GeneralÂ's chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, that Gonzales coordinated the evaluations of the 93 attorneys Â"to see where changes might be appropriate.Â"

Â"I think firing me was inappropriate,Â" the ousted attorney maintained. Â"And I think itÂ's only fair for Attorney General Gonzales to enjoy a fate thatÂ's just as inappropriate.Â"

A third member of the dismissed U. S. attorneys struck a more sympathetic note. Â"I donÂ't think Albert Gonzales should allow himself to be a victim of the sort of political witch hunts that have become all too common. I think he should stay on until he himself realizes what a relief it is not to be part of the current administration.Â"

Given the widespread sentiment of the eight attorneys about their firing, there seems little doubt that they will come down on the side of handing Gonzales the pink slip. With eight to choose from, they certainly have a ready supply.

Yet they must face the fact that Gonzales believes that, as the first attorney general of Mexican descent, he cannot, for ethnic reasons, resign. To bolster his position, he said, Â""At the end of the day, I know what I did. And I know that the motivations for the decisions I made were not based on improper reasons. I was simply making it easier for these eight attorneys to take a vacation in Acapulco."

According To News, Happiness Is No Longer Possible; World Too Crazy

If you listen to the news without the healthy defense of perspective, you can easily begin to think that the world is so crazy happiness is no longer possible or, at least, a highly irresponsible proclivity.

As you well know, from the time we wake up until the time we doze off, the news presents the most egregious outrages it can assemble, as if to demand of us, Â"With all this mayhem and other craziness going on, how can you dare to be happy?Â"

Since it would be a sorry world if nobody was happy, we began to think about how to manage the pleasant state and concluded you either have to be very stupid or very smart. Everybody in between is bound to be swamped with the worldÂ's collected and concentrated agony.

HereÂ's why.

If youÂ're really just plain stupid, you probably donÂ't listen to the news much anyway. You long ago gave up on trying to keep up with things you hardly understand anyway.

On the other hand, if youÂ're even reasonably savvy, you discovered the enormous difference that almost always obtains between the news and your personal life. While bombs and lunatics are always starring in the news and most of the other media that attempt to monopolize your mind, you notice that your personal life is actually generally quite peaceful and, when the reverberations of the news dissipate, still alive with occasions for happiness.

Why, you even find that there are still splendid and, in much of the media, little-regarded values like sincerity, kindness, love and, yes, laughter.

Meanwhile, if youÂ're not too dumb or intelligent enough, youÂ're right there on the receiving end of all the outrages the news can whip into a frenzy to engage your rapt reactions and elicit your legion of laments. Result: sorrow, with any hope of happiness long abandoned. '

Of course, everyone who reads NewsLaugh is smart enough to keep the news in perspective. Or we wouldnÂ't have the capacity to laugh at it. Which means, happy or sad, at least weÂ're primarily responding to the events of our personal lives, instead of