Tony Blair Sends Nick Faldo and Posh Spice for British Sailors

As every criminal investigator knows, the way to get a confession is through threats and bribes. As every politician knows, the way to get filthy rich is by towing the line of your major contributors.

An Archduke is a rank below King but above Duke. For Americans who forget their British roots, a Duchess is the feminine of Duke and an Archduchess is the feminine of Archduke. On June 28, 1914 Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie were visiting the wounded at Walter Reed in Sarajevo, Austria. At 11 A.M. Gavrilo Princip shot Sophie who died instantly. Then Gavrilo Princip shot Franz in the jugular vein and he died minutes later. Doctor Joshua Perper ruled the deaths accidental.

These assassinations have gone down in history as Â"The shot heard round the worldÂ" because they were the trigger for World War 1. Leonard Franklin Slye was a singer and American cowboy actor who changed his name to Roy Rogers. Roy RogersÂ' third wife was Dale Evans. Roy Rogers rode a golden palomino named Trigger. Dale EvansÂ' horse was named Buttermilk. A Triggerette is a trusted assistant on the rodeo circuit. Fanny Sunesson was the caddy and Trigerette of 3 time Masters Champion Nick Faldo. Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham is the wife of football soccer star David Beckham, the captain of the English National Football team.

The MLS is the Major League Soccer League of the United States. The MLS has teams in American hotbeds of soccer such as Salt Lake City Utah, Columbus Ohio, Foxborough Massachusetts and Carson California, the home of the Carson Chivas and the Los Angeles Galaxy. The Los Angeles Galaxy recently signed David Beckham to become the Messiah of American Soccer on a five year contract worth $50 million dollars per year including endorsements. Unfortunately Spanish football star Jesus Garay Vecino was unavailable.

George Bush is the former owner of the Texas Rangers. George Bush said, Â"I never dreamed about being President. When I was growing up I wanted to be Willie Mays.Â" Unfortunately his father married Barbara Bush and not Diana Ross of the Supremes. The Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is waiting for the two Muslim Messiahs Jesus Christ and the Mahdi to conquer the world for Islam. In order to bring on the advent of the two Muslim Messiahs Ayatollah Ali Khamenei must trigger the Apocalypse. In order for George Bush to bring on the advent of the Messiah Jesus Christ to conquer the world for Christianity, George Bush must trigger the Apocalypse, nuclear world war 3. In other words both Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and George Bush are suicide bombers and you and I are caught in the crossfire.

God helps those who help themselves. This is why Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is building nuclear bombs in Iran. His faith in the might of Allah is not absolute. He is not counting on Allah parting the Persian Gulf. Likewise the faith of George Bush in God the Father aka God of Mount Sinai aka Allah in Arabic is not absolute. He is like Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane pleading Â"Father please take this cup of Chivas Regal from my hand.Â" George Bush is wondering how God the Father aka Allah could leave him floundering in Iraq for over four years with the greatest military force in history brought to their knees by 19 guys with exacto knives.

The time has come to bring Rollie Fingers in from the bullpen to save the game for Manchester United. Nick Faldo and Posh Spice are in Tehran today at the behest of Tony Blair arranging the release of the 15 British sailors recently captured by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Richard Armitage recently disclosed to Robert Novak that Nick Faldo and Victoria Beckham are covert operatives of MI6. Prior to leaving, Posh Spice told Harvey Levin of tmz dot com, Â"The fate of life on earth depends upon the safe return of Prince Harry and the other 14 British sailors. If they are killed, George Bush and Tony Blair intend to turn Iran into a radioactive sand trap. If I have to I intend to sing, dance and perform for every Imam in the Muslim World. Nick Faldo is bringing his handheld golf gps caddie to prove to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei that Prince Harry was in Iraqi waters when he was captured and that the Iranian Navy had their yardages wrong. Unfortunately much depends upon the health of Ayato!
llah Ali Khamenei. If his cancer is at a late stage he may want to be here for the Apocalypse and he may decide to sink the American Aircraft carriers with his Russian Sizzler missiles. In that case I will sing Â"GoodbyeÂ" from the Spice GirlsÂ' Â"ForeverÂ" album.Â"

Hi! I'm a Happy Axe Murderer!

The shriek was one of complete, conscious fear. Their parents raced to the room. Matthew stood over his quivering, prostrate sister, plastic axe in hand, beaming.

MatthewÂ's father boomed, Â"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?Â"

His sister choked out the words between sobs, Â"He, he hit me with his axe.Â"

MatthewÂ's mother checked her darling daughter for gashes and contusions.

Â"SheÂ's okay,Â" she assured everyone, Â"just shaken.Â" A cuddle, a kiss away of tears, and the six year-old sidled to her bedroom to avoid the inevitably loud reprimand.

Â"MATTHEW,Â" boomed his father, Â"WE-DO-NOT-HIT-PEOPLE-WITH-AXES!Â"

Â"No hit people with axe?Â" Matthew queried.

Â"No, we do not hit people with axes.Â"

Â"Okay, hit couch with axe?Â" He looked hopefully at his father.

His father sighed. Â"Yes, you can hit the couch with the axe.Â"

Â"Matthew fire-fighter,Â" he said as he repeatedly walloped the couch.

MatthewÂ's mother feared for the integrity of her sofaÂ's fabric. Â"Come here Matthew,Â" she said. He did, axe in his left hand. She lifted him onto her lap, took his right hand, moved it softly over her hair. Â"This,Â" she said, Â"this is how people liked to be touched.Â"

Â"Pat people, mama?Â"

Â"Yes, pat people.Â"

Â"And cuddle people?Â"

His mother smiled. He was learning. Realistically, juvenile detention could be ten years away but he was capable of learning. They wouldnÂ't have to worry about defence lawyersÂ' fees eating into their non-existent retirement fund. She pulled him to her chest, Â"Yes, cuddle people.Â"

Matthew drew back, smiled, raised the axe in his left hand, Â"Then hit people with axe, mama?Â"

http://oneiopen.wordpress.com/2007/03/26/hi-i%e2%80%99m-a-happy-axe-murderer/

Iran May Become 51st State. Only Safe Way To Get Nukes.

The crafty Iranian leadership, rethinking their agenda of reckless self-endangerment – such as their inevitably suicidal attempt to gain nuclear weapons and their calculated meddling in Iraq – have decided that the safer course of action may be to apply for U. S. statehood.

Upon admission as the 51st state, Iran would become a nuclear power without the possibility of being attacked, at least, by the United States, and George Bush could order the governor of Iran to keep his state's conniving hands out of Iraq.

In fact, as the 51st state, Iran would transform the United States from being any sort of threat to being obligated to defend it as much as it's prepared to defend Texas.

Of course, if IranÂ's initiative toward U. S. statehood is to stand a chance for Congressional approval, Iran and America will obviously have to make some mutual accommodations. For instance, Iran will have to fly the American flag in the state capital, most likely Tehran, and America will have to find a place for the Iranian flag in Washington, as well as the addition of a 51st star to Old Glory.

On being questioned about IranÂ's possible movement toward statehood, Iranian President Mamoud Ahmadinejad stated, Â"I have considered the idea of U. S. statehood very carefully and I actually find merit in it, especially since our Assembly of Experts and our Expediency Discernment Council have both advised me that they find merit in it. Should the United States be fortunate enough to have Iran as the 51st state, my hope is that IÂ'll be elected governor of Iran, just as George Bush was the governor of Texas. Then IÂ'll finally have some influence on American policy.Â"

President Bush, on hearing about the rumored Iranian initiative, responded, Â"IÂ'm skeptical that it can work. Frankly, I donÂ't see how a Persian nation can fit in. But, as always, IÂ'm open minded. So IÂ'm willing to consider the benefits, if anybody can point one out. Until then, my assumption is thereÂ's a less diplomatic answer.Â"

Surprisingly, Dick Cheney did not immediately dismiss the idea, commenting, Â"Much as I am inclined to oppose statehood for Iran, I am aware that, should that remote possibility become a reality, it would add significantly to U. S. oil reserves.Â"

Supreme Iranian leader Ali Khamenei, otherwise known as President AhmadinejadÂ's boss, while suspected of having his last liberal thought at the age of five, voiced guarded interest in American statehood for Iran, saying, Â"IÂ'm not sure how comfortable IÂ'd be as an American Islamic cleric but, as such, I would be able to address the infidels over there as my fellow Americans. I would even be able to say politically correct things like, Â'Allah bless America.Â' Such heaven-sent opportunities might increase my chances of converting America to Islam.Â"

The former President of Iran and mild-mannered reformer, Mohammad Khatami, who is now serving as chairman of the Militant Clerics League, was jubilant; in fact, when hearing about the remote possibility of a statehood initiative, he leaped up from his prayer rug so enthusiastically that his turban flew off. Replacing it, he commented, Â"What an astonishing turn of events! As you know, I have often been considered pro-Western, which largely accounts for my political defeat in the presidential election. But, should Iran become a state, my stance will not make me so much of a political pariah; in fact, I can go from being pro-Western all the way to being pro-American.Â"

And the Deputy Chairman of the Assembly of Experts and Chairman of the Expediency Discernment Council, oil millionaire and devoted mullah Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, commented, Â"I have advised the Assembly and the Council and anybody else who will listen that I do find some interesting possibilities in the idea of American statehood and will continue to find them as long as, after IÂ'm an American, I can become the chairman of Exxon-Mobil.Â"

Of course, should Iran decide to move forward with its initiative to become the 51st state, the motion will have to be debated by the U. S. Congress. As usual, Democrats and Republicans have expressed divergent views on the issue.

Senator Harry Reid, D-Nevada, said, Â"We in the senate know quite well all the things the Iranians have been doing that upset us. You may also have noticed that the Bush administration has been powerless to stop them. While such confrontational behavior may hurt IranÂ's chances for passage of a statehood bill, should it somehow pass, I can see that having some Iranians in Congress might make Tehran more responsive.Â"

On the other hand, Senator Trent Lott, R-Mississippi, expostulated, Â"The entire idea of Iran as a state of the Union is preposterous. I mean, how can you welcome people into these United States who shout things like Â'death to America? And whatÂ's that language they speak, Farsi? And IÂ'll bet, even after theyÂ're Americans, they wonÂ't let their women wear dresses.Â"

Meanwhile, Britain, miffed over TehranÂ's arrest of 15 British sailors for allegedly trespassing on Iranian waters and the arrogant manner of their release, expressed enthusiasm for the possibility of Iranian statehood, with Prime Minister Tony Blair noting, Â"The rather curious effort by Iran to become the 51st state is a welcome way to prevent any further meddling with our navy in the Persian Gulf, principally because British sailors have not been arrested in American waters since the Revolutionary War.Â"

Of course, IranÂ's application can only commence after Supreme leader Ali Khamenei tells everybody else in Iran that the idea is OK with him.

His final word may be forthcoming sooner than later, since the Iranians are well aware that, if they do file a formal application for statehood, they will have to contend with Congress, which is the only body that can rival them for stalling on an issue.

Study Determines Reading NewsLaugh Helps You Live Longer

Good news. People with a sense of humor live longer, says researcher Sven Svebak of the medical school at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology.

He presented his study in Budapest at a meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society.

Sven kept tabs on 54,000 Norwegians over a seven year time-frame.

At the start of the study, the participants were asked to fill out a form about how likely they are to find humor in real-life situations and how important they thought having a humorous outlook is.

Guess what? The higher they rated humorous qualities, the more likely they were to get to the end of the study alive.

In fact, the subjects who ranked in the top quarter for thinking humor is important turned out to be 35% more likely to be alive than the folks in the bottom quarter.

And, if you happened to have cancer at the beginning of the study, you were even more likely to survive. A highly developed sense of humor improved the chances that people with cancer would make it through the seven years by a remarkably remedial 70%.

So hereÂ's to your sense of humor – and what better way to cultivate it than to read the sanely funny humor NewsLaugh specializes in?

Clever Golden Retriever, Toby, Performs Performs Heimlich Maneuver On Choking Owner

A woman named Debbie Parkhurst was snacking on sliced apples when a bite got stuck in her throat. She tried a variety of urgent ways to get it out, such as beating herself on the chest.

Debbie reports that the odd activity must have clued in her unusually clever golden retriever, Toby, because, as she tells it, "The next think I know, TobyÂ's up on his hind feet, and heÂ's got his front paws on my shoulders. He pushed me to the ground and, once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest."

The slice of apple popped out and, knowing he had saved her life, Toby began to lick her face.

"I literally have paw-shaped bruises on my chest," Debbie said. "IÂ'm still a little hoarse, but otherwise IÂ'm OK."

She was taken to the hospital, just in case, and, she reports, "The doctor said I probably wouldnÂ't be here without Toby."

So hereÂ's to Toby – our clever monkey of the month, even if he accomplished his feat just because he likes to jump on his owner.

Judgment Of Iranian Leaders Kidnapped

In the wake of the Iranian arrest of 15 British sailors for supposedly trespassing on Iranian waters and the arrogant release of them, Britain Prime Minister Tony Blair has concluded, Â"Apparently, someone has kidnapped the judgment of the Iranian leadership.Â"

Â"If you think about it,Â" Blair went on to say, Â"What could the Iranians possibly have had to gain, while they could have lost a great deal, for example, Tehran.Â"

President Bush joined in BlairÂ's accusation, stating, Â"Yep, thereÂ's just no other explanation. And I know from personal experience what itÂ's like to have your judgment kidnapped. IÂ'm reminded of it every time I refuse to leave Iraq to the Iraqis.Â"

Responding to the accusation that the judgment in Iran has gone missing, Iranian President Mamoud Ahmadinejad, commented, Â"Instead of apologizing over trespassing by British forces, the world arrogant powers issued statements and delivered speeches. Now, as you can plainly see, my assumption of their guilt in the statement I just made in no way indicates that my judgment has been kidnapped.Â"

Then, pointing to his head, but accidentally poking himself in the eye, he concluded, Â"My judgment is right where it used to be.Â"

Jumping Ship

Â"I canÂ't stand anymore chicken!Â" a vacationing guest, who seemed a bit tipsy, shouted at the captain of the cruise ship, and then leaped overboard.

The captain rushed to the railing and peered into the heaving waves. There bobbed his malcontent passenger.

Recently, there had been an inexplicable spate of vacationers aboard cruise ships choosing to jump ship. Now, one of his passengers had chosen to go over the edge.

A shot of adrenalin made his heart thump, and he turned, saw the first mate, and called, Â"Passenger overboard! Life boat! Man the life boats! Alert the Coast Guard! We need assistance!Â"

Just then the wife of the man who just jumped ship threw her arms up, and yelled, Â"Count me out, too!Â"

Â"Why?Â" Captain Walsh demanded.

As she dashed for the railing, she took a moment to inform him, Â"Even the spaghetti is inedible!Â"

Then over she went.

Walsh watched her spin toward the water and splash down near her water-treading husband.

Â"Dear me,Â" he lamented, and turned to his curiously desultory first mate, Â"Make that two lifeboats!Â"

Then he steeled himself for his greatest challenge. All the passengers had now gathered on the deck and appeared unsettlingly malcontent. The insane thought passed through his mind that they might opt for going overboard en masse.

Then he noticed telltale signs that his worst nightmare could come true. For instance, a few especially irate guests were brandishing hastily scrawled signs, saying such things as, Â"Better Entertainment Now!Â" Â"Freedom From Bingo!Â" and Â"Clean The Pool!Â"

Â"Now, see here,Â" the captain said, Â"I know youÂ're all not thrilled with every aspect of the cruise, but surely there are some enjoyable things.Â"

Â"Name one!Â" a disgruntled passenger challenged him.

Â"Well, how about the port calls?Â" he asked weakly. Â"And all the wonderful shopping opportunities?Â"

Â"Robbery in every port!Â" a man let out. Â"Disguised as sale prices!Â"

Â"You think this seashell necklace is worth a thousand dollars?Â" a particularly irate female shopper said, holding up the stringed bauble.

Â"To the rails!Â' another man yelled.

Â"WeÂ're off of here!Â" a woman exclaimed.

Then the entire group, every last passenger currently still aboard the ship, as far as the captain could tell, made a move for the rail.

Â"Stop! I order you to stay on board!Â" Walsh commanded, and placed his body between the rail and the ocean-bound passengers.

Â"Stand aside!Â" a rather brawny traveler in Bermudas shouted, waving a threatening ping-pong paddle.

Â"No more watered-down mixed drinks for me!Â" another man screamed.

Â"Or slot machines where everybody loses!Â" a woman chimed in.

Then the sea of passengers pressed forward, and Captain Walsh found himself being helplessly twirled aside by one pair of rail-bent hands after another. Then, to his shock, he watched helplessly as every single guest leap off the boat.

Â"How we gonna explain this to headquarters!Â" the first mate called from the lifeboats, which he and a gaggle of other crew members were attempting to activate.

The alarmed captain peered down at all the guests, splashing in the waves, and then looked back at the first mate. Â"Quick – the lifeboats! WeÂ've got to save everyone or weÂ'll be finished – washed up, forever!Â"

Just then the shipÂ's chef and his staff appeared on the deck and hurried toward the captain. Â"Is it true? All the passengers?Â" the chef asked, and peered over the rail.

Â"Every last one of them!Â" the captain wailed.

Â"It couldnÂ't be the food?Â" the chef wanted to know.

Â"Could it?Â" the sous chef queried.

Â"I have to be honest. Some did mention that.Â"

Â"I feel terrible about this,Â" the chef sighed. Â"My cooking days are over.Â"

Then he motioned to his staff, and they all made for the rail.

Â"Hold it!Â" the captain said. Â"Not you and the kitchen crew, too?Â"

Â"The least we can do is join them!Â" returned the chef. Then, with a flourish, he added, Â"If only I had better ingredients!Â"

And over the rail he and his fellow denizens of the kitchen went.

Â"Chef and staff overboard!Â" the captain called.

Then, to his dismay, the first mate and the crew members who were helping to launch the lifeboats stopped their vital work and climbed down to the deck.

Â"What are you doing?Â" Captain Walsh called. Â"Man those lifeboats!Â"

Worse yet, now the rest of the crew emerged from below. They all made their way toward him.

Â"What are you doing?Â" he asked. Â"WeÂ've got passengers drowning down there!Â"

Â"I donÂ't know, captain,Â" the first mate replied. Â"WeÂ've been talking.Â"

Â"You what?Â" the captain inquired.

Â"Me and the crew, and we decided having one passenger jump ship is bad enough – but all of them?Â"

Â"No way we can save them all,Â" a crew member volunteered.

Â"And even if we rescue most of them,Â" another crew member lamented, Â"what future do we have?Â"

Â"WeÂ're finished,Â" the first mate sighed.

Â"Disgraced!Â" a crew member put in.

Â"We could even go to jail,Â" the first mate advised him.

Â"Maybe the passengers have the right idea,Â" another crew member conceded. Â"Can you believe how bad the comedian was last night? Not one good joke!Â"

Â"And what about the singer?Â" another crew member asked. Â"I canÂ't stand the way she screeches on every high note.Â"

Â"Excuse us, sir,Â" the mate told the captain, Â"but I think weÂ've pretty much made up our minds.Â" Then he turned to the crew. Â"Shall we?Â"

Â"What else?Â" one replied.

And then, to the captainÂ's dismay, they all jumped ship. He followed their decent. Then there they all were, splashing in the ocean among the passengers.

Now he heard steps behind him and turned. The entertainers were hurrying toward him.

Â"WhatÂ's going on?Â" the comedian asked.

Â"Everybody jumped ship,Â" the captain told them, pointing over the rail.

The troupe of entertainers rushed to the rail and looked down.

Â"Why would they do that?Â" the singer with the screechy voice asked.

Â"They seem to have had a variety of reasons.Â"

Â"Not the entertainment?Â" a faux-Hawaiian dancer asked.

Â"IÂ'm afraid it played a role,Â" the captain admitted.

Â"YouÂ've got to be kidding,Â" the ventriloquist replied.

Â"Once this gets out, weÂ'll never work another cruise!Â" a male singer said, distraught.

Â"LetÂ's face it. Our careers are kaput,Â" another dancer sighed.

Â"What are we going to do – just stand here?Â" the comedian wanted to know.

Â"As I see it, the right thing to do is join our audience,Â" the ventriloquist concluded.

Â"Hold it,Â" the captain said, grabbing the ventriloquist by the shirt. Â"You canÂ't be serious?Â"

Â"DonÂ't worry,Â" he said, and held up his dummy. Â"Herman floats.Â"

Â"Got a better idea, captain?Â" the comedian asked.

Â"You want to live to explain this to management?Â" the Hawaiian dancer said.

Â"Maybe youÂ've got something there,Â" Captain Walsh admitted. Â"Yes, by golly, I think you do. But, as the captain, I insist on being the last to abandon ship.Â"

Â"Spoken like a true captain,Â" the comedian assured him, and turned to the rest. Â"Ready, team?Â"

Â"Ready!Â" the ventriloquist said, and his dummy Herman added, Â"Famous last words!Â"

And so, as the captain stood by, all the entertainers leaped bravely overboard.

Walsh watched them plummet into the crowded sea.

Â"Oh, well,Â" he told himself, Â"itÂ's been a good career, until now.Â" Then he called, Â"Anybody left on board?Â"

Not a single voice interrupted the ocean breeze.

Â"Then itÂ's over the side for me!Â" he called, and looked at the crowded sea in search of an unoccupied area. And over he went.

Down he fell, toward the tossing passengers, crew, chef with the kitchen staff, and entertainers. He managed to splash into the water, instead of landing on top of any of the former occupants of his ship, and sank beneath the waves.

When he bobbed back up, he awoke, wet with sweat, and found himself doing the breaststroke on his mattress.

What a nightmare! he thought.

And he resolved to speak to management. Obviously, there were things about life on cruise ships that could be improved, and he vowed to be the champion of change.

Just to make sure all was well, he got out of bed and opened a port. He saw a young couple, leaning against the railing. They seemed to be in a romantic mood and not at all likely to jump overboard. He smiled, closed the port, and went back to bed.

It felt especially good to know he still had his passengers on board, along with his crew, kitchen staff, and, no doubt, his troupe of gifted entertainers.

Islamic Woman Nabbed For Wearing Belt Made Of Live Crocodiles

Some news stories are so funny thereÂ's little to do except present them for any of our readers who havenÂ't chanced upon them. HereÂ's one that demonstrates female Islamic dress can get even more frightening than it already is.

It seems that guards at a crossing at the Rafah terminal in southern Gaza noticed that a Moslem woman appeared, despite her veiled face and loose robe, Â"strangely fat.Â" They mustered the courage to approach the oddly shaped lass, despite the possibility that she might be outfitted with an unusually robust suicide belt.

Propriety being observed to a fault, lest some inadvertence lead to stoning or another alarming throwback, a female guard was entrusted to examine the woman – and discovered, to her dismay, that her examinee was actually wearing a belt made up of three live crocodiles, each about 20 inches long.

The incident sparked panic at the crossing. "The policewoman screamed and ran out of the room, and then women began screaming and panicking when they heard," a spokeswoman for the European observers who run the crossing explained. When things calmed down, she said, "everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body."

The woman, it turns out, was attempting to smuggle the reptiles out of Egypt to sell them to the small zoo in Gaza or to anybody else who might be interested in owning a pet croc.

As you might guess, in that male-dominated and sadly regressive part of the world, the woman confessed that she "was asked" to transport the crocodiles. The reptilian items would be worth "good money" in Gaza, up to about $500.

At least, the guys who trusted her with job had the foresight to tie the jaws of her cargo of crocs shut.

The errant animals were returned to the Egyptian side, no doubt much to the disappointment of the lady who was smuggling them and the men who outfitted her.

Eight Fired U. S. Attorneys Asked If Gonzales Should Stay

In a rare turn of events, in which the victims of political nonsense get to have their day in court, the eight U. S. attorneys who were fired under the watch of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have been asked to decide if he should stay on the job.

When asked how they might vote, one of the attorneys said, Â"I always like to give the guy who fires me a chance to keep his own position.Â"

Another one noted the testimony by the Attorney GeneralÂ's chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, that Gonzales coordinated the evaluations of the 93 attorneys Â"to see where changes might be appropriate.Â"

Â"I think firing me was inappropriate,Â" the ousted attorney maintained. Â"And I think itÂ's only fair for Attorney General Gonzales to enjoy a fate thatÂ's just as inappropriate.Â"

A third member of the dismissed U. S. attorneys struck a more sympathetic note. Â"I donÂ't think Albert Gonzales should allow himself to be a victim of the sort of political witch hunts that have become all too common. I think he should stay on until he himself realizes what a relief it is not to be part of the current administration.Â"

Given the widespread sentiment of the eight attorneys about their firing, there seems little doubt that they will come down on the side of handing Gonzales the pink slip. With eight to choose from, they certainly have a ready supply.

Yet they must face the fact that Gonzales believes that, as the first attorney general of Mexican descent, he cannot, for ethnic reasons, resign. To bolster his position, he said, Â""At the end of the day, I know what I did. And I know that the motivations for the decisions I made were not based on improper reasons. I was simply making it easier for these eight attorneys to take a vacation in Acapulco."

According To News, Happiness Is No Longer Possible; World Too Crazy

If you listen to the news without the healthy defense of perspective, you can easily begin to think that the world is so crazy happiness is no longer possible or, at least, a highly irresponsible proclivity.

As you well know, from the time we wake up until the time we doze off, the news presents the most egregious outrages it can assemble, as if to demand of us, Â"With all this mayhem and other craziness going on, how can you dare to be happy?Â"

Since it would be a sorry world if nobody was happy, we began to think about how to manage the pleasant state and concluded you either have to be very stupid or very smart. Everybody in between is bound to be swamped with the worldÂ's collected and concentrated agony.

HereÂ's why.

If youÂ're really just plain stupid, you probably donÂ't listen to the news much anyway. You long ago gave up on trying to keep up with things you hardly understand anyway.

On the other hand, if youÂ're even reasonably savvy, you discovered the enormous difference that almost always obtains between the news and your personal life. While bombs and lunatics are always starring in the news and most of the other media that attempt to monopolize your mind, you notice that your personal life is actually generally quite peaceful and, when the reverberations of the news dissipate, still alive with occasions for happiness.

Why, you even find that there are still splendid and, in much of the media, little-regarded values like sincerity, kindness, love and, yes, laughter.

Meanwhile, if youÂ're not too dumb or intelligent enough, youÂ're right there on the receiving end of all the outrages the news can whip into a frenzy to engage your rapt reactions and elicit your legion of laments. Result: sorrow, with any hope of happiness long abandoned. '

Of course, everyone who reads NewsLaugh is smart enough to keep the news in perspective. Or we wouldnÂ't have the capacity to laugh at it. Which means, happy or sad, at least weÂ're primarily responding to the events of our personal lives, instead of

French Architect Solves 4,500-Year-Old Pyramid Mystery; Awaits Answer

A French architect has surprised the archeological world by claiming that the Great Pyramid, in which the Pharaoh Cheops resided for an unexpectedly long time, was built from the inside out – and the innovative Parisian has presented 3-D, computer-generated images to back his theory. He is now awaiting an answer from EgyptÂ's Supreme Council On Antiquities.

Consider the riddle has challenged the minds of people who have nothing more important to think about for some 4,500 years, it seems expected that the response might take some time.

Prior to his pointedly different proposal, the theories were that it was assembled with an enormous ramp in the front or a corkscrew affair around the outside. But Jean-Pierre Houdin has the images to show that the main ramp was thirty to fifty feet under the outside, outlining, if you can believe it, a pyramid within a pyramid.

His computer model shows that the resourceful builders only used an exterior ramp for the first 140 feet of laborious and idiotic construction and then switched to a corkscrew-shaped inner ramp for the remainder of the 450-foot blockbuster tomb.

Houdin maintains heÂ's right for the most obvious of reasons, stating, Â"This is better than the other theories, because it is the only theory that works.Â"

A well-known Egyptologist commented, "This goes against both main existing theories. IÂ've been teaching them myself for 20 years, but deep down I know theyÂ're wrong.Â" He went on to say, Â"HoudinÂ's vision is credible, but right now this is just a theory. Everybody thinks it has got to be taken seriously.Â"

EgyptÂ's Supreme Council of Antiquities is still deliberating.

Global Warming Update: Eskimos Spot First Palm Tree

In an especially inarguable event that global warming is proceeding apace, a group of Eskimos noticed – while hunting for caribou on the sort of unusually balmy day that theyÂ've been experiencing with ever-growing frequency – a tree they were not familiar with, growing high above the tundra.

Priding themselves on knowing the flora and fauna of their land, they puzzled over the strange growth.

Â"Look,Â" one said, Â"a tree I never saw before.Â"

Â"No branches,Â" another one puzzled.

Â"Even a bear couldnÂ't climb it,Â" a third one noted.

Then one of them pointed to the groups of large roundish green objects in the high and odd-looking leaves, known in warmer climes as palm fronds. Â"Look,Â" he speculated, Â"big fruit, maybe.Â"

Just then one of the ovoid objects happened to break loose and fall toward them.

Unfortunately, for the fellow who had just identified it as fruit, the object hit him on the head and, being rather heavy and hard, it knocked him out.

When he awoke, he felt the lump on his head, and concluded, Â"Not very ripe.Â"

Respecting the environment, as all Eskimos are famously known to do, except when poaching, they decided not to chop the tree down to take it back via dogsled for identification but to settle for returning with the unidentified object that had hit their unsuspecting fellow villager on the noggin.

When they got back to their village, they went straight to the village elder, who was revered for many reasons, one of them being that he was the only resident of the village who, one year when the salmon catch had been especially bountiful, had managed to wangle a trip to Florida.

When he saw the strange object, his brows fretted and he looked up, saying, Â"I thought you went caribou hunting?Â"

Â"We did,Â" one of the hunters replied.

Â"I did not know that there are caribou in Florida,Â" he said, questioningly.

Â"Florida?Â" another hunter asked, now even more mystified.

Â"Yes, because as far as I know, this thing only grows in Florida. As you know, once, in my younger days, I went there for a mid-winter break.Â"

Â"Then you know what it is?Â" the fellow who had been hit on the head with it asked.

Â"Yes, he replied. Â"ItÂ's called a coconut.Â"

Â"Coconut?Â" they variously puzzled, passing it around for another look.

Â"Yes,Â" the elder confirmed. Â"Where did you find it?Â"

Â"In a tree we never saw before.Â"

Â"And where did you see this tree?Â" the wizened man questioned.

Â"In caribou country,Â" one of the hunters affirmed.

Â"I swear,Â" another added.

Â"Then,Â" he told them, Â"thanks to global warming, our way of life is about to change. You have found a palm tree in Alaska.Â"

Â"Palm tree?Â" they wondered.

Â"Yes,Â" he said, and whacked the coconut with a large knife.

He savored a sip of the nectar within and, passing the coconut around so the hunters might experience the milky delectation, he concluded, "And so, if I live long enough, maybe I will get to enjoy the climate of Florida without having to make another trip there.Â"

U. S. Seniors Retiring To Iraq; Say Thatâs Where The Medicare Money Is.

U. S. senior citizens, noting President BushÂ's new budget, which calls for billions to be spent in Iraq while billions are cut from Medicare, are foregoing traditional retirement destinations like Florida and Arizona and opting for Iraq.

The numbers reflect a convincing coincidence. BushÂ's budget calls for $100 billion more for Iraq and $100 billion in cuts for Medicare.

Following up on the new retirement trend, we went to Kennedy Airport and caught up with some seniors who were booked for Baghdad.

Â"Excuse me,Â" I asked a group of seniors who just stepped off the bus in front of Saudi Arabian Airlines. Â"I understand youÂ're all heading for Iraq?Â"

Â"ThatÂ's right,Â" a man in Bermuda shorts replied, and reached into his golf bag. He took out a chapeau in the usual mullah fashion. Â"Got my black turban right here. You know what they say? When in Baghdad, do as the Iraqis do.Â"

Â"And I have my black burkah,Â" his wife added, lifting it from her purse. She slipped it over her head and modeled it. Â"What do you think?Â"

Â"Very cute,Â" I replied. Â"YouÂ'll fit right in. Can you please clarify why youÂ've chosen to retire in Iraq instead of, say, Miami?Â"

Â"Simple, son,Â" a man with a fishing rod, who happened to be wearing a baseball cap on top of his turban, said, Â"ThatÂ's where the Medicare money is.Â"

Â"Not to mention social security,Â" his wife commented.

Â"The plain fact is, weÂ'd rather eat in Iraq than starve in America,Â" another man added.

Â"But arenÂ't you concerned about safety issues?Â" I asked.

Â"Of course, we are,Â" the man in the Bermudas replied. Â"But weÂ're in this for the long term and, the way things are going, we can hardly count on Medicare and social security in America.Â"

Â"WeÂ've got to follow the food,Â" another elderly gentleman stated.

Â"But you could get blown up?Â" I suggested.

Â"Oh, we thought about that,Â" the man with the baseball hat on top of his turban replied. Â"WeÂ'll just have to take our chances.Â"

Â"Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen,Â" a frail man said, raising his fist. Â"DidnÂ't you read about the 70-year-old fella who broke the neck of the kid who tried to rob a busload of seniors?Â"

Â"Yes, I did notice that event,Â" I told him.

Â"He was a war vet,Â" one of the women informed me, with evident pride.

Â"Yep, of one American war or another,Â" a senior volunteered with a sigh. Â"Quite a few to choose from.Â"

Â"How about suicide bombers?Â" I dared to ask.

Â"Bring Â'em on, son,Â" the frail senior said, assuming the position of a boxer with his dukes up.

Â"But arenÂ't you forgetting that most of the money earmarked for Iraq is for military activity?Â" I asked.

Â"WeÂ're going for the rebuilding money,Â" the man in the Bermudas said. Â"TheyÂ're wasting billions. And we figure we can get in the way of some of it.Â"

Â"And what do you think is going to happen when Americans see millions of seniors, retired in Iraq? They canÂ't just let us starve there, can they?Â"

Â"Congress will have to divvy up something for us, and thatÂ's more than theyÂ're likely to do if we stay in America.Â"

Â"And something is better than nothing,Â" a woman affirmed.

Â"But what about the culture gap?Â" I asked. Â"ArenÂ't you a little set in your ways?Â"

Â"Yes, we are,Â" one of the men admitted.

Â"I notice the turbans. Do you plan on becoming Muslim?Â"

Â"Whatever it takes to get in the way of some money,Â" the man insisted.

Â"WeÂ've thought about it,Â" his wife interjected. Â"And becoming Islamic is better than not being able to afford medical care.Â"

Â"Or starving on whatÂ's left of social security,Â" another woman added.

Â"Do you think youÂ'll be able to enjoy the usual retirement activities there, like golf and fishing?Â" I asked.

Â"No problem,Â" the man with the golf bag said. Â"Iraq may not have the best golf courses, but I see thereÂ's plenty of desert for sand traps.Â"

Â"IÂ've noticed a river runs through Baghdad,Â" the man with the fishing rod said. Â"Got to be something in it besides body parts.Â"

Â"How about you?Â" I asked a woman with a tennis racquet.

Â"I havenÂ't seen any tennis courts there,Â" she admitted, Â"but some of the sand should be hard enough for the ball to bounce.Â"

Â"What about a net?Â" I asked.

Â"I guess thereÂ'll be some sacrifices,Â" she replied, and looked around at the crowd. Â"But I know one thing. I wonÂ't have far to look for someone to play with.Â"

Â"I brought my racket,Â" another woman called.

Â"And, if worse comes to worse,Â" her husband advised her, Â"you can teach an Iraqi how to play.Â"

Â"Excuse us, son,Â" one of the men said. Â"We have to move along now. CanÂ't miss our flight.Â"

Â"WeÂ're bound for Baghdad!Â" his wife almost sang.

Â"OK,Â" I replied. Â"Thanks for the interview. And enjoy your retirement.Â"

Ahmadinejad Defends Iranâs âInalienable Rightâ

President Mamoud Ahmadinejad defended IranÂ's nuclear program in a speech before a group of Islamic clerics, stating, Â"The Iranian nation has an inalienable right to become a nuclear target.Â" Then, conflating a calculated reference to The Declaration of Independence with railway transportation, he added, Â"The train of the Iranian nation is without brakes and a rear gear. We dismantled the rear gear and brakes of the train and threw them away sometime ago."

Â"But what happens after we have a nuclear weapon?Â" a cleric dared to ask.

Â"I was just getting to that,Â" he replied. Â"Now, some of you might wonder, what is likely to happen as Iran gets closer to having a nuclear weapon? What else? WeÂ'll be attacked.

"And what if we actually threaten to use a nuclear weapon? You guessed it. WeÂ're certain to be attacked.

"And what if we actually succeed in using a nuclear weapon? You guessed right again. WeÂ'll be attacked – and no doubt with nuclear weapons.

"And who will attack us? Israel? America? England? France? Russia? China? The truth is, there are so many nations that might attack us we have absolutely nothing to worry about. We can be certain that one or more of these nations will attack us.

"And, if things go as they well might, we may be attacked by nearly all of them. But donÂ't worry. WeÂ'll be going up in smoke for Allah. So we have nothing to fear.

"And, let me assure you, my intentions are in no way guided by a subliminal death wish. Nothing could be further from the truth. IÂ'm very outspoken about my intentions.

"And no nation – not America, not Israel, not all the European infidels taken together, can deter the Iranian nation. We will become a nuclear target. It is our destiny, that is, unless somebody has a better idea.

"Then, like George Bush, I will entertain it before I dismiss it. Now, IÂ'd like to hear it if anybody has a better plan.Â"

To encourage participation, the guards beside him presented arms. Noticing the potential fusillade, the clerics seemed in complete agreement with him.

Â"IÂ'm glad you agree with the plan,Â" Ahmadinejad said. Then, continuing his recent references to American parlance, he effused, Â"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of nukes! United we die; divided we disagree! I have a nuclear dream! And, mark my words, the end is near!Â"

A Religion In Need Of Redemption

Generally, religion figures human beings need redemption. Now, we note, at least one religion is in dire need of redemption: Islam.

The explosive evidence speaks for itself – unfortunately, louder than any other voice in Islam.

But can enough Muslims be convinced that their religion needs salvation?

If a humor magazine canÂ't do it, who can? HereÂ's a short course, called Good Religion 101.

Is a religion supposed to be an enhancement of life or a liability against it? What is its merit to the living when it becomes a liability against life? For that matter, what is its merit to the ultimate source of life – in this context, taken to be Allah, the one true pal of us all?

To be meritorious, a religion must be primarily about the sanctity of life, not the sanctity of death. The more it subordinates life, which is what we have in our care, the more it has gone wrong.

To be fair, we do hear or read an occasional Islamic voice that has not lost sight of what a meritorious religion must be, but where are the voices of IslamÂ's millions, most notably its multitude of mullahs?

To the extent that IslamÂ's we-know-better members do not raise their voices against their religion gone wrong, they permit it to be denigrated in the service of death.

The question is, can it be put pervasively in the service of life? Can it be made exemplary for the lives of Muslims themselves – men, women, adults, and children – as well as good for all the infidels who just wish it would go away?

If it is to be transformed into a religion that doesnÂ't need to be saved, it must become one that is good for all the living. After all, only behavior that is good for everyone can be held up as a standard for everyone or as proper reverence to the ultimate source of us all.

We leave right-minded Muslims with the question wrong-minded Muslims have forced into the foreground. Can Islam be redeemed?

A lot of good people donÂ't think so. They think the religion is a hopeless case. Since their opinion could only arise from ample cause, itÂ's all the more urgent for right-minded Muslims to bestir themselves on behalf of their religion gone wrong.

The Awesome 80's

It was the decade of decadence. It was about glitz and glamour as well as baubles, bangles, and beads.

Everyone loved Luke and Laura in the afternoon. Lady Diane became the People's Princess when she married Prince Charles. Nighttime soaps like Dallas and Dynasty ruled the airwaves. President Ronald Reagan ruled the United States. Tom Cruise felt the need for speed. Michael Milliken was the Junk Bond King. Gordon Gekko taught Wall Street whiz kids that greed was good. Material Girl Madonna made her musical debut.

What decade was it?

We can only be talking about that terrific time period – the excellent eighties.

Here are twenty-one ways for you to verify that you belong to (or belong in) the 1980's.

1. Breakdancing on the sidewalk looked like fun. Now it just looks like you might break something.

2. You can still recite dialogue from any movie starring Molly Ringwald.

3. "Cell phones" meant the telephone people used when they got their "one phone call" in jail.

4. You had at least one of the following: a Cabbage Patch Kid, He-Man action figures, a Rubik's Cube, or something with a Pac-Man logo on it.

5. You remember a lot of headlines about the Human Genome Project, which was a complete mapping of human DNA. You also remember how this was supposed to lead to the eradication of disease.

6. You remember the day that thousands of radio stations across the world played "We Are The World" at the exact same time. (Now, you're singing it!)

7. Your first album was a vinyl 33 and you laughed at your parents because they wanted to play 45's and 8-track tapes.

8. You know who Oliver North is and why he was in the news.

9. Someone on your street or neighborhood sent his or her life savings to a later discredited televangelist.

10. You hung out with your friends at the mall, especially in the video arcade where you exchanged those hard-earned quarters for tokens.

11. You know that "glasnost" means openness or transparency and "perestroika" means economic restructuring.

12. You and your friends made fun of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady. (The fictional woman was named Mrs. Fletcher and the product was the LifeCall emergency service.)

13. You inserted "like" liberally and unnecessarily throughout your sentences. Like so, "Like, that was, like, the hardest test we ever had. So after class, I was all like asking the teacher and she was like it wouldn't have been hard if you had studied. Then I was like is that like wicked rude or what?"

14. You know there was only one way Dorothy on the Golden Girls could make Sophia behave. She simply said, "Shady Pines, Ma, Shady Pines."

15. You've actually tasted New Coke. Extra points if you wrote to Coca-Cola and insisted they bring back the original formula.

16. You remember when there was no such thing as CNN, E!, or MTV.

17. Your parents were afraid you'd cut yourself putting on a snap bracelet.

18. You were inspired by Sandra Day O'Connor, the first female Supreme Court Judge, Sally Ride, the first female astronaut and Geraldine Ferraro, the first (and as of this writing only) female Vice Presidential candidate.

19. Renting horror movie sequels about Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers took up a lot of your time.

20. You loved the opposite sketches and green slime on You Can't Do That On Television.

21. You played Atari, Intellivision, Sega, Nintendo, and Coleco until your hands went numb.

Not nearly enough totally tubular nostalgia for you, for sure? Need more wicked rad 80's memories? See the complete list at http://www.comprehensiveadvice.com/80s.html

Toyoto Becomes Number One Car Company; Thanks General Motors

Â"Thank you so much for making Toyota number one,Â" the chairman of Toyota, Fujio Cho, said to Richard Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors, and leaned across the conference table to shake his hand.

Â"Think nothing of it,Â" Mr. Wagoner replied, obliging the Japanese exec. Â"The credit belongs entirely to you and your quality-obsessed company.Â"

Â"No, no,Â" the Japanese CEO insisted. Â"We could never have done it without your reliable incompetence.Â"

Â"On the contrary, sir,Â" the GM CEO replied, eyeing the other American and Japanese executives arrayed around the conference table, Â"the credit is entirely due to your astonishing competence. After all, you and your company have figured out how to make cars people actually want to buy – form and function, attractively combined.Â"

Â"Yes, I think thatÂ's true,Â" the CEO of Toyota conceded.

Â"And youÂ've figured out how to make cars that are legendarily reliable,Â" Wagoner went on.

Â"Yes, I must also agree with that.Â"

Â"Then how is it possible that you are thanking me for helping to make you number one?Â" Mr. Wagoner wanted to know. Â"I do not deserve any of the credit whatsoever!Â"

Â"But, donÂ't you see, Mr. Wagoner? We owe our success to the fact that you have not quite figured out how to make cars that people actually want to buy!Â"

Â"WeÂ're working on it,Â" the CEO of GM replied.

Â"And have you figured out how to make legendarily reliable cars?Â"

Â"WeÂ're also working on that.Â"

Â"May I ask if you have been successful at either endeavor?Â"

Â"I said weÂ're working on getting there.Â"

Â"But, Mr. Wagoner, how is it possible that after all these years of making cars you are still working on two such important objectives? Of course, I am not referring to you and your highly competent current executives, but only to your predecessors, and I am sure you will do much better.Â"

Â"Thank you. IÂ'll tell you why we're having a difficulty or two. Your company came along, Mr. Cho, and set the bar higher than it was.Â"

Â"We did?

Â"I insist. Much higher.Â"

Â"And how were we able to set it higher?Â"

Â"You tell me.Â"

Â"Because you set it so wonderfully low.Â"

Â"We did?Â"

Â"What other explanation can there be, Mr. Wagoner? And now you are struggling to catch up, which, if I may be frank, is another way of saying you have failed to do so."

"But –"

"– I beg your forgiveness, my distinguished friend, but if that isnÂ't incompetence, I donÂ't know what is. Of course, as I said, not your incompetence, only that of your predecessors. Yet, if I may be so bold, please, accept my gratitude.Â"

Suicide Bomber Arrives At Entrance To Paradise At Same Time As Victims

Â"What are they doing here?Â" the suicide bomber asked Allah, pointing to the fifty-two victims he had just blown up along with himself. Â"I thought I was going to Paradise alone.Â"

Â"DonÂ't let him in!Â" a dead man called from among the recent arrivals.

Â"He killed us!Â" a female victim shouted.

Allah, who was sitting on a gold throne at the entrance to Paradise, held up his scepter, which had a curious red button on top, and told the bomber, Â"It always happens this way.Â"

Â"But why?Â" he wanted to know.

Allah held up a scroll on which were written the words he now spoke: Â"Do the math!Â"

Â"I was never good at math,Â" the bomber admitted. Â"Please, explain.Â"

Â"ItÂ's really quite simple," Allah told him. "The usual transportation speed from the earth to Paradise is a constant. So everybody who dies at the same time arrives here at the same time.Â"

Â"Oh,Â" sighed the bomber, Â"I didnÂ't think of that.Â"

Â"Justice! We demand justice!Â" the disgruntled crowd confirmed.

Â"Please, let me proceed,Â" Allah advised them. Then he turned his eyes on the bomber. Â"What do you have to say on your behalf?Â"

Â"Praise be to God,Â" replied the bomber, and fell on his knees. Â"I killed them for you, Allah.Â"

Â"I donÂ't remember asking. Got any other reason?Â"

Â"Oh, a really good one.Â"

Â"Do I know everything?Â" Allah asked.

Â"Yes, you do. God is great!Â"

Â"Then why donÂ't I know of a really good reason to kill people?Â"

Â"Infidels!Â" he shouted. Â"TheyÂ're infidels!Â"

Â"WhatÂ's an infidel?Â" one of the dead children asked his mother.

Â"Somebody who doesnÂ't agree with me and my superiors!Â" the bomber informed the child.

Â"I don't!Â" one of the dead men exclaimed, and turned to Allah. Â"So let me blow him up!Â"

Â"Please,Â" Allah replied, Â"up here I pass out the rewards and punishments.Â"

Â"Then no doubt I have earned an eternal reward in Paradise,Â" the bomber said.

Â"Never!Â" the dead crowd demanded.

Â"I have earned my eternal reward with my life!Â" the bomber shot back.

Â"Eternal, no doubt,Â" Allah replied. Â"But there seems to be some disagreement about the location.Â"

Â"But my superiors assured me that I would go straight to heaven for blowing myself and these infidels up.Â"

Â"I know that,Â" Allah told him. Â"ItÂ's one of the disadvantages of knowing everything. Frankly, sometimes I wish I didnÂ't. I get the worst headaches.Â" He took a notepad out of a pocket in his gown. Â"See. I have a list of your advisors. Now, for the big question. Who should get into Paradise, you or them?Â"

Â"Me?Â" the bomber said tentatively.

Â"Justice! We demand justice!Â" the crowd shouted.

Â"Not to worry,Â" Allah told them. Â"ThatÂ's what I specialize in.Â" He turned to the suicide bomber once again. Â"What do you mean by infidels?Â"

Â"They believe different things than I do, especially about you!Â"

Â"Why do you think itÂ's possible for people to believe different things, even about me?Â"

Â"Because theyÂ're wrong!Â" the bomber answered.

Â"No, because I decided people should be able to believe different things.Â"

Â"You did?Â"

Â"Am I all-powerful?Â"

Â"Praise be to God, of course, you are,Â" the bomber replied.

Â"Then, if I didnÂ't want them to be able to believe different things, I assume you understand that they would not be able to?"

Â"Oh,Â" the bomber realized. Â"

Â"Thanks, Allah,Â" one of the dead men said. Â"ThatÂ's a good point.Â"

Â"You mean they have a right to disagree with me and my superiors?Â" the suicide bomber wanted to know.

Â"How else could they get away with it?Â" Allah asked.

Â"Hmm, I hadnÂ't thought about that,Â" he lamented.

Â"I know that,Â" Allah said. Â"Now, perhaps you know I have a rule?Â"

Â"Oh, lots of them,Â" the bomber went on. Â"I know them by heart.Â"

Â"How about the one about donÂ't kill?Â"

Â"I didnÂ't know that applies to infidels!Â"

Â"HeÂ's guilty!Â" a man yelled.

Â"He killed us!Â" a child screamed.

Â"Send him to hell!Â" his dead mother said, and put her arm around the child.

Â"WeÂ'll get to who belongs where,Â" Allah said, and turned to the bomber. Â"Do you think I made you?Â"

Â"Yes, you did. God is great!Â"

Â"Do you think I made them?Â"

Â"I donÂ't know why, but, yes, I have to admit you made everyone and everything.Â"

Â"Thank you,Â" Allah said, and pointed to the dead crowd. Â"What would happen if everybody decided to blow up people who donÂ't agree with him or her?Â"

Â"There would be even more blessed martyrs,Â" the suicide bomber said.

Â"You mean crazy people!Â" one of the dead women called.

Â"Hold it,Â" Allah said once again, closing his eyes with a bit of perturbation. Â"I have arrived at a decision.Â"

Â"Then I can enter Paradise?Â" the bomber suggested, and moved forward.

Â"IÂ'm not finished,Â" Allah told him, blocking the way with his scepter that had the red button on top.

Â"Tell it like it is, Allah!Â" a dead man called.

Â"Send him to hell – to burn forever!Â" a woman screamed.

Â"Please,Â" Allah said, Â"no need to shout. Remember, I can even take a hint.Â" He looked back at the bomber. Â"Do you know we have never had a bomb go off in Paradise?Â"

Â"Really?Â"

"No, itÂ's a very peaceful place. And do you know why we have never had a bomb go off?Â"

Â"Because itÂ's Paradise?Â" the bomber asked.

Â"Yes, but thereÂ's another reason.Â"

Â"Praise be to God, tell me.Â"

Â"Because I never let a bomber in.Â"

Â"But IÂ'm done being a bomber,Â" the bomber replied. Â"Now, IÂ'm a martyr!Â"

Â"Bomber!Â" a woman yelled.

Â"No, no, IÂ'm not a bomber anymore!Â" the bomber shouted.

Â"ArenÂ't you?Â" Allah asked. Â"You did decide to be a bomber, didnÂ't you?Â"

Â"My superiors told me to do it!Â"

Â"But you agreed or you wouldnÂ't have done it. Am I right?Â"

Â"Praise be to God, you are all-wise.Â"

Â"Thanks. Then youÂ'll understand that once a bomber, always a bomber.Â"

Â"Forgive me, Allah! I was wrong.Â"

Â"Never, Allah! HeÂ's a murderer!Â" a man in the deceased crowd called.

Â"IÂ'm afraid I have to agree with them,Â" Allah decided.

Â"With them? With the infidels?Â"

Â"Please, stand aside,Â" Allah said to the bomber. Then he turned to the victims. Â"You can come in.Â"

Â"Thank you, God!Â" they said. Â"Praise be to Allah!Â"

They filed past their great benefactor, bowing as they went.

Â"But IÂ'm the one who deserves to go to Paradise!Â" the bomber protested.

Â"WeÂ'll see,Â" Allah said.

When all the people who had been blown up had entered Paradise, the bomber asked, Â"Is it my turn to go in?Â"

Â"LetÂ's talk about that,Â" Allah said, and moved his finger to the red button on the top of his scepter, which happened to control a trap door. Â"I believe you said you killed those people for me?Â"

Â"Yes, I did.Â"

Â"Do you think I let them be born so you could kill them?Â"

Â"But look how they turned out!Â"

Â"Is that for you to decide or for me to decide?Â"

Â"For you, Allah, I admit it. I was wrong! IÂ'm sorry. Forgive me!Â"

Â"I do forgive you,Â" Allah said, Â"but I also gave you the freedom to decide who you would become. And I never change Paradise policy."

"Praise be to Allah, tell me, what is it?"

"No bombers, especially suicide bombers, allowed.Â"

With that, he pushed the red button on his scepter and the unfortunate soul dropped to his unexpected destiny.

Scientists Discover Earthlike Planet; Hope The Civilization Is More Advanced

European astronomers, upon discovering an Earthlike planet outside of our own solar system, winningly named Gliese 581c, were immediately fearful that the sort of behavior that goes on here might be more widespread than previously believed and could only hope that the civilization is more advanced.

There was even some worrisome speculation about the possibility that the civilization could be at the same stage as our own and if, in fact, it might currently be playing host to such rancorous individuals as Osama Bin Laden and Imus.

Feeling that one version of such people is enough, they immediately resorted to the hope that, since the star around which the planet spins is older than the sun, any civilization there might be more advanced than our own.

Less concerned citizens began to speculate about what sort of inhabitants might reside there besides mass murderers and insult comedians. The participants covered all the important categories, such as who might be the most popular singers and actors.

Of course, the most revealing way to determine who might live there is to travel to the planet, but since it's about 20 light years away, the means of transportation is still not available.

Whether our inability to travel there just yet is good news for the earth or for the newly discovered planet remains to be seen.

Netflix Informed About Movies On Demand; May Stop Mailing DVDs

Netflix, the company whose enormous red billboards have been annoying computer users for some time, has been informed about the existence of on-demand movies.

Shocked that a person can simply click a remote control to pay for and view a movie, the company has realized that expecting consumers to pay to have DVDs mailed to them and then remembering to mail them back is not a credible business.

Initially, the spokesman for Netflix was resistant, stating, Â"What do you mean, movies on demand? Never heard of them.Â"

But when the remarkable procedure was demonstrated to him, he relented and, in fact, commented, Â"Well, IÂ'll be. Why didnÂ't somebody tell me about it before I took this job?Â"

Idiotic Human Behavior Traced To Greenhouse Gases

An innovative study by an environmental scientist attempts to explain the recent uptick in idiotic human behavior. According to the resourceful researcher, the likely culpret is the abundant supply of greenhouse gases. As a result of their ascendance, there is simply not enough oxygen left in the atmosphere for the human brain to function at the usual level.

He reasons that the principal greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide, is frequenly derived from carbon monoxide, the toxic effluent of tailpipes and other smokestacks. To become the dioxide version, the monoxide must add an atom of oxygen, which, for lack of other alternatives, it removes from the atomosphere.

To make his determination, the scientist measured the percentage of oxygen currently available for general breathing and the amount of the same invigorating substance in a sealed time capsule that was buried during the 1950s, a time, history tells us, of an extraordinary degree of human sanity.

By comparing the two samples, the investigator was able to determine that there is significantly less oxygen in todayÂ's atmosphere.

Commenting on the finding, George Bush said, Â'I disagree with the finding, and I'll tell you why. Today I can think just as well as I could in 1950.Â"

Dick Cheney remained committed to the present course, saying, Â"Don't pay any attention to these environmental reactionaries. They're bad for the economy. And, if you think weÂ're dumber now, wait till weÂ're too dumb to notice. Then the problem will be solved.Â"

On the other hand, Arlen Spector, R-PA, noted, Â"I have actually detected a noticeable slowdown in the intellectual activity of Congress. When I first came to Washington, I can remember an occasion or two when I actually heard an intelligent argument.Â"

Washington Madam Names Clients; Whoâs Next?

As if our fearless leaders in Washington donÂ't have enough to fret about, now Deborah Jeane Palfrey, a madam accused of running a prostitution business has, as part of her defense, vowed to make her list of clients public. Worse yet, she has begun to do so.

First on the roster was the high-ranking military strategist who coined the lamentable catchphrase Â"shock and awe.Â" He was so shocked and awed he resigned.

Dick Morris, the dapper and devious former advisor to Bill Clinton, made the hit list and quickly persuaded his lawyer to deny, deny, deny.

Then came Randall Tobias, the affable but suddenly shamed head of the Bush administration's foreign aid programs. He also resigned, and the madam was so touched she felt obliged to express her apologies.

How many more cowering gentlemen will be named?

Apparently, Deborah and her lawyers believe that the more careers they destroy, the more likely she is to evade a sentence that might prove excessive.

Prompted by the failure of her flawed assumption, she is on the verge of making her entire stock of names public.

So all Washington can only be atwitter with the question, "WhoÂ's next?"

Apparently, a lot of revelations lie ahead. After all, the lady managed to keep approximately 250 lasses gainfully embraced.

Female Muslim Sexologist On TV; Proves More Popular Than Al-Qaeda

A female Muslim sexologist named Heba Kotb now has a TV program called Â"Big Talk,Â" where the courageous pioneer discusses sex in as normal and healthy a manner as she can dare to in her excitable part of the world.

A conservative Muslim herself, the irrepressible Egyptian lady actually has Muslims talking about such taboo ideas as sexual positions, female orgasm, and oral sex, which, she says, is permitted "since there is no religious text banning it."

Her program has apparently become the talk of her sexually veiled society. She has, in fact, proved to be even more popular than Al-Qaeda, as usually represented by one madman or another ranting about murdering innocent people as a perverse means of persuasion.

"It's a beautiful thing what she is doing," commented Abier El-Barbary, a woman who is a psychotherapist and a faculty member at the American University in Cairo. "It's a long overdue topic tastefully done.Â"

LetÂ's wish her luck. When sex is part of the discussion, it appears that the injunction to Â"make love, not warÂ" may have, even in the Middle East, a fighting chance.

Pardon Me, But I Thought Free, Freebie, No Cost, Free Download As Well As Many Others, Meant Just That!

You all know what I am referring to and I'm sure you are as fed up as I am with all the parsing of common words to misrepresent something, someone or both. The parsing of commonly held words is stupid and will not be tolerated by the masses any longer! If an advertiser wants us to dance a jig or jump through hoops to receive their low cost, almost worth nothing, free or freebie item all they must do is simply say so. Rather than parsing of words to mean almost free or free if you are new to our service, or free for the taking but it will exclude you from future almost free or freebies items, just simply say so. Most adults are capable of understanding that you are a business because you want to feed your family. As adults most people don't want you as a business to lose any money. As adults most people would like to know that you are making a fair profit and will be in business for years to come. As adults we simply wish for you to not parse words in an attempt to take adv!
antage of anyone! We are giving you businesses, big and small, fair warning that we consumers are fed up with the parsing of words to take advantage of consumers and we are not going to let it continue any longer. We promise to embarrass you and your company if you continue in the future of parsing words to not mean what everyone takes them to mean. Just so that everyone is on the same page, we have listed what we understand these certain common words to mean.

1) The word free or freebie means simply that - zero exchange of money, postage stamps or anything of value.

2) The word free and freebie mean no exchange of money now or latter and also mean the same for new as well as existing customers.

3) The word free and freebie do not mean that we will be branded to lose out of or to be excluded of any special price or deal at a later time if we take advantage of your free product or service now.

4) The word free and freebie simply mean free, zero cost and zero exchange of valuable information such as our email address or the email addresses of six of our friends. This would also include any personal telephone numbers. Time of year or season does not change these commonly held meanings.

5) The word free or freebie means that we don't have to do anything or offer anything in exchange for your free or freebie product or service.

Now that we have stated clearly what these commonly held words mean to us at large; we expect you businesses, big and small, to understand that we consumers will penalize any company by broadcasting it over the internet to everyone that said company has tried to parse these commonly held words. We believe there is no reason to parse these commonly held words other than to take advantage of another. Therefore we will broadcast across the internet via e-mail, via blogs, via bulletin boards via forums via any way possible now and in the future any company and/or individual that plays games with or parses the meaning of these commonly held words. For the record the meanings of these words are the same whether you are giving us a great or not so great of free or freebie item. We also wish to state for the record that we consumers understand that you businesses must make profit in order to stay in business. We are not opposed to the fact that not every free or freebie item will b!
e of great worth. We however expect the meaning of these commonly held words to remain just the same, regardless of worth of free or freebie item. May this article serve as fair warning to all businesses, big and small, that we consumers are fed up with all the parsing of commonly held words to take advantage of any consumer!

As a consumer, if you agree to this writing then it is expected of you to hold all businesses to these rules and if some business does not, you have the responsibility to make said infringement known to the masses via one or more methods listed above. Every concerned consumer should print out this little article and keep it handy and ready to post or serve such business and/or individual that breaks these rules. This article is free, zero cost, will not exclude you from future freebies, and will not require you to post personal information or the personal information of six friends. You need not do anything to print it out and post it. This article is completely free of charge regardless of time of day or season of year. This article is simply, FREE!

George Bushâs Secrets to Better Golf

Cheat. Lie. Intimidate. These are the true fundamentals of golf. If George W. Bush shoots a 7 on the par 5 9th hole and his playing partner Rex W. Tillerson the CEO of Exxon Mobil asks the President of the United States of America what he shot, George W. Bush says Â"Put me down for a 5.Â"

George W. Bush and Rex W. Tillerson are walking down the 10th fairway at the Cape Arundel Golf Club in Kennebunkport Maine surrounded by 10 heavily armed secret service agents. What is Rex W. Tillerson supposed to say to George Bush? Â"No, IÂ'm sorry Mr. President you shot a 7 on the last hole, not a 5?Â" By the time Rex got the words out he would be gunned down into the dirt. The secret service agents have been given their orders in advance. Lets say that Rex actually pointed out the PresidentÂ's error to him and lived to talk about it. President Bush would merely break into song, with the vocally trained secret service agents as his back up singers singing Â"I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.Â"

In 1921 renowned golf course architect Walter Travis redesigned the Cape Arundel Golf Course at 19 River Road, Kennebunkport, Maine, just down the road from the George Bush seaside compound. George Bush Sr. bought the beautiful home to keep up with the Kennedys. Walter Travis said of the Cape Arundel Golf Course he designed, Â"A really good golf course must abound in hazards, and good courses develop good players. Trees are non existent, as they should be, and the wind should always be an ever present factor on such a course. The greens are real beauties and will delight the soul of any real golfer.Â" This assumes that the golfer has a soul. To make the course more challenging, Mr. Travis placed improvised explosive devices on several of the cart paths. He was a true visionary.

ItÂ's amazing how golfers tie their entire sense of self worth to the way they are hitting the golf ball. Robert Trent Jones designed the Shady Oaks Golf Course in Fort Worth Texas, another Bush family favorite. Robert Trent Jones redesigned Augusta National in the late 1940Â's. Robert Trent Jones believed that golf should be a no risk, no reward sport. His golf courses encouraged daring play. Eminem wrote a song called Â"The Real Slim ShadyÂ" in which he says, Â"We aint nothing but mammals, well some of us cannibals who cut other people up like cantaloupes.Â"

In Â"The Silence of the LambsÂ", serial killer Buffalo Bill kidnaps and skins Kathy Martin, the daughter of Ruth Martin, the United States Senator from Tennessee. The famed forensic psychiatrist and serial killer cannibal Hannibal Lecter gives a riddle to young FBI agent Clarice Starling which leads Clarice to a rent a storage facility and the car of Benjamin Raspail, a former patient of Dr. Lecter. Hidden in the parked car is the severed head in a jar of Benjamin Raspail. This was Dr. LecterÂ's way of teaching his student to keep his head still on the backswing and the downswing until the swinging of the arms on the follow through brings the head up.

ItÂ's one thing to tell the average golfer to keep her head still. The fact is that a steady head is often the result of the movement of other body parts during the swing. Twenty thousand American men and women so far have left their body parts in the sands of Babylon. Butch Harmon, the former coach of Tiger Woods recently taught Phil Mickelson that the way to keep his head still on the backswing and cure his overswing was to keep his right knee firm and flexed on the backswing instead of straightening it out. Somehow Phil Mickelson won 30 PGA tournaments and 2 Masters at Augusta National straightening his right knee on the backswing and overswinging under the tutelage of his former coach Rick Smith. At least Rick Smith didnÂ't have Phil Mickelson hacking balls endlessly out of the rough at Oakmont in preparation H. for the U.S. Open until lefty developed chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and then sending him out to compete with one arm.

Christie Kerr recently won the U.S. Open golf tournament at Pine Needles by two shots over Lorena Ochoa and Angela Park. After her victory on the eighteenth green Christie Kerr ran over to her new husband Erik Stevens, jumped up on him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and her legs around his lower body, and hung there in suspension until all thoughts of Hale Irwin running around the green high fiving the gallery disappeared from the collective American consciousness. There are many ways to begin the downswing with the lower body, most of which lead to disaster. Jack Nicklaus, the Golden Bear recommends beginning the downswing by rolling the right ankle laterally and not allowing your head to ride forward. This is the secret to beginning the downswing properly, as it will drop your passive hands and arms to shoulder height from where you can then rotate your left forearm in a counter clockwise motion to the finish. However, George Bush says, Â"When you roll your right ankle!
laterally to begin the downswing, make sure that your right foot remains planted and no part of it comes off of the ground, otherwise you wil slide and come over the top, and you will shank, like I did by invading Iraq. IÂ'm very sorry. My fellow Americans and Jesus, please forgive me for I knew not what I was doing.Â"

Prehistoric Camel Found At Wal-Mart Dig

Sure, Wal-Mart carries a big inventory, but how about a prehistoric camel?

A nursery owner in Arizona was digging away with the simple goal of planting a new tree at the site of a future Wal-Mart, when he poked into the bones of an ancient camel.

He informed the curator of the geology museum at Arizona State University, Brad Archer, who hurried over and confirmed, "There's no question that this is a camel; these creatures walked the land here until about 8,000 years ago, when the same event that wiped out a great deal of mammal life took place."

The obliging owner of the nursery, John Babiarz, has agreed that the bones ought to go to the museum and be put on display.

Wal-Mart, however, has yet to agree and the rumor is the bones may go on sale.

An executive of the chain explained, Â"Since they found the camel on our property, itÂ's merchandise.Â"

The possibility of camel bones for sale has aroused resistance among local merchants, who fear having the ancient bones for sale will give Wal-Mart an unfair advantage.

Â"I donÂ't mind competing with Wal-Mart,Â" one store owner said, Â"but you canÂ't give them a big edge like a discount on old camel bones.Â"

Cheryl Crow Touches Carl Rove; Arm Falls Off

During a White House Correspondents Dinner, Cheryl Crow, who, with Laurie David, is doing a Stop Global Warming College Tour, went up to Carl Rove, hoping to discuss the environmental issue with him.

Carl didn't seem overly pleased with the subject matter.

Unaware of just how toxic his response might be, Cheryl touched his arm to soothe his irascible behavior.

"Don't touch me!" he barked at her, provoking some discussion as to the stability of his psychological state.

Cheryl beat a quick retreat, never suspecting that later in the evening her arm would fall off.

She was rushed to the hospital, where it was reattached, and she continued her environmentally correct tour.

Democrats Urge George Bush To Run For Third Term

Congressional Democrats, delighted with George BushÂ's stubborn resistance to their every request, have invited him to run for a third term. Forgoing support for their own roster of Democratic candidates, they have offered to vote for an exception to the 2-term limit.

Senator Harry Reid, outspoken opponent of the war in Iraq said, Â"WeÂ're just having such a darn good time failing to get the President to listen to common sense that weÂ'd like to keep it up for four more years. Think how dull it will be having someone whoÂ's actually responsive to Congress.Â"

Bush seemed pleased by the offer, saying, Â"IÂ've been concerned that, if by a long shot, a Democrat gets elected, my policy on Iraq might get changed. So I welcome the Democratic initiative to help me keep the war on track.Â"

Hillary Clinton, a bit miffed by her loss of Democratic support, commented, Â"I just donÂ't understand what Democrats are doing asking George Bush to run for another four years when they could have just as much fun bashing me.Â"

Senator Barack Obama joined in the disinclination to support the initiative, saying, Â"While I understand the entertainment value four more years of George Bush would offer the Democratic party, support for this alarming idea is enough to make me consider becoming a Republican.Â"

Exactly how the new Democratic push to reelect President Bush will work out remains uncertain. Apparently, their support for it depends on the unwavering obstinacy of the President.

A Treasure Chest for People Who Love Funny Clothing

I have always been a big fan of funny clothing. I am always on the look out for all types of funny clothing, especially when I am out of town. You see, funny t-shirt are the thing in our city and practically everybody has one. Well this has become a disadvantage, at least in my own point of view. I just hate bumping into someone with an exact same shirt as mine. So I like to buy my funny clothing somewhere outside the city; but only until I happened upon a wonderful website. ItÂ's called recklessts.com. You open the page and youÂ're greeted with amazing funny tees. ItÂ's practically a treasure chest for me. What is even better about the site is that you donÂ't only get funny tees, but you get original funny t-shirts. Now I donÂ't have to worry about embarrassing encounters with people wearing identical shirts.

Now let me stress this—recklessts.com offers not only unique funny tees but hilarious tees at that. By this I mean really funny shirts. Now youÂ'll have people laughing out loud. You canÂ't get any cooler than that. And because theyÂ're unique, you are assured that you are not wearing yet another old joke. Most of their humorous T-shirts are not very wholesome. Well, this is the exact reason why I like them. Whenever my Mom gives me Â"her look,Â" I simply say,Â" Mom, we call that wit.Â"

DonÂ't get the wrong idea. Recklessts.com is not all about t-shirts. As a matter of fact, they now offer funny hats too. Now I can have a whole new range of collection. And did I mention that they offer custom screen printing in Tempe Arizona?

Not only does the website offer amazing products but it also provides great customer service. Ordering is pretty simple. You simply click on the product you wish to purchase (plus the size of your choice). After which you click on the button that says Â"ADD TO CART.Â" Then the site will do the rest. You will be automatically transferred to PayPalÂ's shopping cart where you only have to enter your shipping information and the payment method of your choice and youÂ're done with the transaction. If you still find this simple procedure a hassle, you hold the option of calling Recklessts.com via telephone no. (480) 678-4488.

Another wonderful thing about Recklessts.com is its Return Policy. The site guarantees refund for shirts that are returned unworn and unwashed within 30 days of purchase. This is one feature I donÂ't need though. I have always been satisfied by the shirts I order from the site. I find the siteÂ's privacy policy more important. You see, I am a security buff. I worry about identity thieves who manage to steal from peopleÂ's credit card accounts. Credit card security is one area where I lose my sense of humor. ItÂ's all business for me. ItÂ's a good thing Recklessts.com uses PayPal, a secure network that is well worth my trust.

Viral Video Quickly Becoming Its Own Genre

What works as viral video? What type of video are you, as the viewer, going to want to forward to all your friends, and they, in turn, will want to forward to all their friends, and so on until the Â"virusÂ" effect of the video has spread to millions?

There are no definite, key examples of what makes a video become viral.

The Videos That Have Become Viral

Why did the Paul Potts video (from BritainÂ's Got Talent) get 17 million views on YouTube? Because itÂ's inspirational.

Why did Will FerrellÂ's The Landlord become the backbone of his entire Funnyordie website? Because it was funny, and, more importantly, had Will Ferrell in it.

Why did the Cheerleader Getting Run over by a football team become viral? Because it was extreme?

Why did 2 Girls 1 Cup (we refuse to link this video), the single most disgusting and abhorrent video of all time become viral? More on that later.

Do these videos have anything in common? Do they have one identifiable trait that makes them marketable?

Â"These videos have something inherent in them that makes people want to watch them over and over,Â" explains Chris, a prominent Independent film Producer from Los Angeles, Â"ThereÂ's no rhyme or reason and thereÂ's no pre-defined set of qualifications.Â"

Â"IÂ've seen videos fail that featured huge stars and good writingÂ… and they were funny,Â" states Joey, a Hollywood writer, Â"They just didnÂ't have that viral nature.Â"

Or in the case of a video like The Glitch, featuring American PieÂ's Jason BiggsÂ… a little too long.

Â"People have 30 seconds to 2 minutes to watch a clip at work before theyÂ're caught,Â" says Tom, an Actor from Los Angeles, Â"they donÂ't have 8-10 minutes!Â"

The Most Disgusting Video Ever - Why Are People Watching It?

2 Girls 1 Cup is perhaps the most graphically disgusting video of all time. It features two women feasting on, letÂ's just say Â"fecal matterÂ". Why did everyone pay attention to it? What was the attraction? ItÂ's unknown.

After that video went viral, a stream of Â"reactionÂ" videos surfaced. These videos were basically friends filming other friends watching 2 Girls 1 Cup and trying to catch their reaction, which most of the time was a gut wrenching puke.

These reaction videos became more popular than the original video itself, but also served to market the original video unintentionally, with the logic being, Â"If the reaction is so bad, IÂ've gotta see it!Â"

There are even phony Â"spoofÂ" reaction videos popping up, the newest of which is Kermit the Frog watching the video and reacting with profanity.

Another spoof is Â"2 Guys 1 Cup featuring John MayerÂ", which happens to be a non offensive video set to the same music but featuring two guys sharing a cup of ice-cream.

Hard to Define

Viral video is hard to define, but it is quickly becoming its own genre.

I had a college professor once, in an attempt to define poetry, say this:

Â"Poetry is like pornography. ItÂ's tough to define, but you know it when you see it.Â"

Substitute Â"Viral VideoÂ" for Â"PoetryÂ" and you have a definition of the viral video genre worthy of Websters.

Comeback of the Mustache? I Don't Think So

There is an ugly rumor circulating about the return of the 1970s mustache-wearing male finding his way to the 21st century. Is this a backlash to the metrosexual era? Is this a way for the "regular guy" to reclaim his masculinity? Is this a way of making food stuck to a man's face acceptable?

As a single woman, I strongly object to this horrific trend.

I'm not going to throw around careless accusations against facial hair. That just wouldnÂ't be right. Rather, my approach will be fair and balanced. You know, the reporting style made famous by Fox News.

For starters, the mustache reminds me of 1970s porn. As a kid, I wasn't always able to recognize the vital body parts through the scrambled Playboy Channel, but I could always tell if the man was wearing a mustache. Not a sexy scene, my friends.

Sticking with the 1970s theme, my father sported a mustache back then, and I don't want to date a man that resembles him. That's taking the Father Complex theory way too far.

Most importantly, I have very sensitive skin. In fact, so sensitive that I once went out on a date with a man that had facial hair and after three hours of lip smacking, my skin became so irritated that I developed a rash. Sure, you can make the argument that the rash was due to the marathon-long make-out session, not the mustache per se, but this isnÂ't a time to be logical. Let's keep the focus of this post where it belongs, on the ill-conceived return of the mustache.

I'm not prejudiced; I'm against all mustaches.

Pencil mustache? No way. It reminds me of John Waters.

The toothbrush? Um, no. Charlie Chaplin donned that one for a reason: it's funny-looking.

Horseshoe-style mustache? Nice try. Hulk Hogan can get away with it is because wrestlers are cartoon-like.

Magnum, P. I. mustache? Oh, now you're playing dirty (I like that), but chances are you don't look like Tom Selleck. Psssssst. If you share his rugged good looks, e-mail me your digits.

Guys, take it from me. I won't steer you wrong. There is a reason the mustache trend died a slow death. Here's a hint: men aren't supposed to be walking buffets, able to select from an assortment of late-night snacks trapped in their hippielips.

IÂ'm just sayin'.

Would You Kiss My Dog?

You might think twice before allowing a dog to give you a big wet kiss if you know what I know. I also want to apologize in advance to all dog lovers. I remain an admirer of dogs, just from a distance where my face is out of reach of their over-exuberant tongues.

As a child growing up in the boonies of Alabama we had a succession of dogs, some memorable and some I'd rather forget. One thing they all had in common is a trait all dogs everywhere participate in with gusto, one in which prevents me to this day from allowing a dog anywhere near my mouth.

Early on in life, while still blissfully unaware, I had no qualms in allowing the current family's dog the liberty of indulging itself in a round of good-natured face-licking. After all this is for most people one of the most endearing aspect of canine ownership, letting the mutt shower them with doggie kisses for as long as the dogs owner could stand it. The pooch thinks it is showing its owner the proper display of submissive behavior and affection and believe me when I tell you that a dog will slobber all over you as long as you allow it.

As I said before, my early years were spent in blissful unawareness of Fido's hygienic tendencies. Thinking about that very aspect of doggie behavior today brings back the gag reflex I experienced when I finally discovered, far too late unfortunately, how the mutt went about its daily ablutions.

The dog we had at the time, if I recall, was a stray that sort of drifted in one day and decided to stay and see which way the wind blew. I saw him as companion for my many explorations back into the hills and ridges of the Appalachians. To give credit where credit is due I will say that dog was a champion walker. He would accompany me as long and as far as I asked him too.

Now to the gist of this story. I remember it was a scorching hot August day. One of those kind of days where the air was thick and hard to breath. Anyway I was lounging on the front porch, enjoying a cold drink, and not paying attention to anything in particular. A movement caught my eye and I saw our dog coming down the road towards the house, returning from who knows what type of foray. About a block from the property I saw him stop suddenly and peer intently at something at his feet. Then he eased himself down onto the ground and started rolling around on his back, legs flailing the air, tongue lolling out, and appearing to be in a state of puppy bliss. Needless to say this aroused my attention. I stood up and wandered over to see what had gotten the dog all excited. Was there such a thing as dognip?

Arriving on the scene my eyes were met with the disgusting spectacle of the dog rolling in the partially decomposed remains of some poor creature that wasn't able to dodge fast enough. The way the dog was carrying on you would have thought he had discovered the next greatest scent guaranteed to sweep the lady dogs off their feet. He spent a good ten minutes covering every square inch of his body with the essence of the carcass. He even belly-crawled over it a few times just to make sure no spot was missed.

Once he completed this gruesome task he stood up, shook himself off, gave me a sideways glance, and headed for the porch. I stood there in shock for a second, barely able to believe what I had just witnessed. Finally gathering my wits about me I decided it would be prudent to put as much distance between me and the dog as possible. My plan was to casually walk by him (holding my breath of course), enter the front door, and escape quietly out the back door and make for the hills as fast as my legs would carry me for the remainder of the day. My reasoning was if I was several miles away I wouldn't have to put up with the smell and best of all one of the other kids would have to give the dog a bath once the rest of the family caught wind of it.

Just about when I put my hand on the door handle to let myself in I noticed the dog engaged in yet another of the favorite pastimes of dogs everywhere. He had commenced licking himself over every inch of his body that he could reach. My stomach started doing flip-flops because I knew where he had been less than a minute prior, but for some unknown reason I was transfixed. I could not walk away. Some morbid part of me wanted to see just how far and how long this dog would go with this spectacle.

For a good half hour I bore witness as this dog slurped himself from stem to stern, spending an inordinate amount of time in the stern area if you get my meaning. With disgust and fascination I watched the whole gruesome process, sitting down at some point to see if it would help the nausea I felt coming on.

Once his ablutions were over he licked his chops as if he had just finished a choice sirloin, set his sights on me, and before I could react, pounced towards me with a twinkle in his eye and a bounce in his step. Upon later reflection I finally reasoned he wanted to thank me for "sharing" the experience by offering me some of that love and affection dogs are famous for.

Instinct took over at that point and I engaged in a hasty retreat, crab-walking backwards with the dog getting ever closer, intent on showering me with attention. I stumbled slightly and he saw this as his chance. He lunged at my face with his mouth open and his tongue ready to give me the love and affection he felt I deserved as his master.

Things moved pretty much in a blur at this point which is understandable considering the speed in which I moved. I vaguely remember attempting to pull my head down between my shoulders like a turtle to prevent direct contact while at the same time levitating myself to the porch railing, just barely escaping the dog and his cesspool of a mouth.

Realizing he had missed his chance he looked a little contrite and hurt that I should deny him what he felt was his righteous duty. Between a fit of hyper-gagging and impaired vision brought on by the fumes emanating wafting about the porch I managed to warn him off and escaped into the house.

After awhile I calmed myself down and started thinking about my previous escape plan and the possibility of putting it into action while I still could when I was overcome with a sudden sense of dread. I suddenly remembered that the previous day I had allowed this same dog, the very one who had just spent almost an hour in the most revolting display I had ever witnessed, kiss me square on the mouth.

I wont go into what happened next other than to say it took me about a week, three giant tubes of toothpaste, and a couple of king-sized bottles of Listerine before I got the taste out of my mouth.

Think about it folks. You might want to reconsider if PoochyPoo and his dog bad breath want to share with you where his tongue has been just before he came over to give you a smack on the lips.